Michael Phelps He Ain’t

I am going to rent a movie tonight. I know, I know. Settle down party girl. This is how I roll on a Friday night. I honestly cannot remember the last time I saw a movie in a theater. No really, I cannot remember. I do know it was back when you could board an airplane without removing your shoes and my cell phone weighed 4 pounds. Truly, something happened to my mind when I got pregnant. I could say the children got the brains, but the jury is still out on that one. My daughter ate a piece of dog food today. My middle child regularly makes decisions worse than Snooki.

Here is a perfect example. My 4-year-old was taking a bath and decided it was the perfect time to show me he wasn’t afraid to go under water. He learned to hold his breath during a swim lesson earlier that day. So, in about 12 inches of water, he counted “1,2,3” and whipped his head back with such force it hit the bottom of the tub. Thank God he came back up.  Now, because I once saw a lady on Oprah telling me to praise a child even if he fails I said, “Good job honey! You went all the way under.” He wasn’t buying it. I am raising a tribe of perfectionists. Since he clearly misjudged the depth of our bathtub he needed a do-over. We counted together “1,2,3” BAM! I giggled a bit inside thinking, ‘Really? You didn’t learn your lesson the first time?’ If this continued I would either have to call David Hasselhoff (back when he wore a red bathing suit and ran in slow-motion. Not when he drove a talking car or was a drunk, drooling, hamburger-eating dad) I congratulated him again.


He was determined to get this right even if it meant suffering a concussion and forgetting  the important life skill he learned at pre-school that day: gluing popsicle sticks together. Now, every good parent knows when to intervene and put an end to these kinds of stunts: before there is blood. So, I told him that game was over. Tears. This kid can turn them off and on like a soap opera star. I thought about getting him an acting coach and agent. Then, I envisioned his future. He would end up being in a movie where he plays a twin, make friends with a socialite who tells everyone the color of his pubic hair, change sexual orientations, drink excessively and pose nude. So, perhaps we will stick to college. I held my breath as he attempted a 3rd time to submerge his head without knocking himself out. He nailed it without nailing it.

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