Next Reality Star

I am addicted to reality TV, but I cannot bring myself to watch people eat deodorant, cat hair or tires. I don’t understand how anyone can sit through an entire episode of TLC’s “My Strange Addiction.” I gag during the previews. Then again, I am disgusted if someone drinks out of my glass. I won’t even let my own children take a sip of my water. Especially not my own children. They always leave a little surprise crumb behind. The show is in its 4th season so the producers must be doing something right.

I am pretty sure catching your spouse eating a couch cushion is grounds for divorce. Nor is there anything in marriage vows about excessive enemas and eating rocks. I would be pissed off if any family member of mine was chowing down on dryer sheets. They are not cheap. A good coupon will only save you 50 cents. Do you think I want socks stuck to my pants? Walk away from the laundry room and get a damn cracker. Yes, according to TLC’s website, the addictions mentioned were actual episodes.

Another reality show is on the horizon and you could be the star. The company, Authentic Entertainment, has launched a website looking for the next Honey Boo Boo. Authentic Entertainment is behind a ton of reality shows including “Flipping Out,” which I love. I am not sure it would make good TV to film me arguing with crossing guards, shopping at Walmart and cleaning up dog puke. You can give it a whirl. Here is the link: My Life is a Reality Show

Oh, You Fancy Huh?

It isn’t even 10 o’clock in the morning and my daughter is wearing heels. It’s a big day for our family. She is going up against Honey Boo Boo in a pageant this afternoon. We are hoping the slutty Marilyn Monroe dress is a hit with the judges. I’m kidding. She got a new Cinderella outfit for her birthday.

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She walks better than I do in heels and they are made of plastic. I have always preferred flats. I am also 5’8 1/2 inches tall. As a kid, I hated it. I had a serious growth spurt the summer before 7th grade and have the stretch marks to prove it. I returned from break resembling The Jolly Green Giant. The boys at school still looked like Arnold Jackson. “What’chu talkin ’bout Willis?”

I’m pretty sure my daughter will be tall too. She will be 3 in a few days, but is already wearing a 4T. It took 20-something years, but I am finally comfortable with my height. In fact, I like being taller than some men. I hope my daughter will be this confident her entire life.

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Here Comes Christopher Walken

After all the hype I tried to watch “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo.”  I’m not afraid to admit I love trash TV, but after five minutes of this reality show I couldn’t take anymore. It was painful.  I could barely understand what they were saying.  I am not hating on the Boo Boo Family.  What?  That is the little girl’s name?  It’s not on the family crest?  Anyway,  the family from McIntyre, Georgia saw an opportunity to cash in and took it. Can you blame them? Maybe.   This video is much funnier than the actual show.  Christopher Walken, Colin Farrell and Sam Rockwell reenact scenes from the popular TLC show.  It is perfection.  Enjoy.

 

Happy juice

Kids are very observant. Sometimes too observant. It turns out my son has been paying close attention when I make coffee each morning. I would love to go to Starbucks regularly. Unfortunately, I am not a Kardashian. I don’t whore myself out for the camera to make money. Maybe I should though? Those girls are rich. Anyway, my point is it can get expensive! Plus, the store in my town doesn’t have a drive-thru. I look like one of Honey Boo-Boo’s relatives in the morning. My hair is frizzy and I’m wearing sweatpants. The frizz reminds me of the time I got a bad perm. Why did we ever strive to look like a poodle?

I make my own version of a caramel macchiato at home. My espresso machine is smaller than a shoe box, but it does the trick. I have the caramel syrup and milk. I even purchased a vanilla syrup. Apparently, my son saw the bottle and thought I fell off the wagon. I was never on the wagon. There are days that my kids drive me to drink, but I binge on chocolate instead. I am hoping a flabby gut is chic this season.

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Anyway, he finally got the nerve to call me out. “You can’t drink and drive, mom!” I had to show him the bottle and allow him to smell the contents. Clearly, he has some trust issues. I am not pouring liquor into my drink. I would have laughed at the ridiculousness of the situation, but I hadn’t had my coffee yet.

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