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Shoplifter
Note to self: avoid wearing Khakis the next time you shop at Home Depot. Apparently, it’s like wearing a dirty concert t-shirt and gigantic ear plugs while shopping at Barneys New York. It was either my attire or this particular Home Depot is sick and tired of suburban Moms stealing bug spray and granules. Here is how this adventure started: I was outside picking weeds, lifted a large rock and discovered an ant colony. It was actually an ant country. There were thousands of those little suckers. I dug further down with a shovel sending ants falling into the small pit. Look, if they stayed outside and minded their business…
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Are you threatening me?
I remember making empty threats when I was a kid. “I am going to runaway and you will never see me again!” I was just mad because I didn’t get my way. Perhaps my Mom wouldn’t buy me the neon orange jelly shoes I wanted. Maybe she told me to turn down my cassette player because I was blasting Janet Jackson’s “Control.” Regardless, I had no intention of living under a bridge. Where would I store my scrunchies and Aqua Net? My 3-year-old daughter is already a feisty one. She recently informed me she was looking for a new Mom. I asked her if she was using Craig’s List or…