My 4-year-old daughter is smart, funny and beautiful. When she isn’t wishing for another mother because she can’t have ice cream she is a kind, caring child. She is going to be a wonderful mother, have a successful career, but you better hope she doesn’t get your name in the secret Santa drawing. She will give lousy gifts. Case in point the present she wrapped up tonight for my mother. Why did she give your Mom a gift? She loves my Mom more than me. True story. Come to think of it, my 6-year-old son does, too. He bought gifts at the holiday shop at school and I got squat.  I gave him money, smiled and said, “You can buy for whoever you want.” Translation: I have a permanent kangaroo pouch because I gave you life and I am not a kangaroo. So, you better damn well come home with one of those overpriced gaudy rings that will turn your finger green. “I ran out of money,” he said. He ran out of money buying things for people he loves which included my mother. I didn’t make him feel guilty. I am saving those passive aggressive speeches for when he is older and abandons me for a whore wife. He is actually a really thoughtful kid. My daughter is, too. She just has bad taste. For example, this is my mom’s gift:


Who doesn’t want a broken goldfish cracker bowl and an old brown marker? I am proud that she would want to give a gift ‘just because.’ My children may act like Christopher Columbus 99% of the time claiming ownership of everything they touch including my food, but they are thoughtful. They may re-gift their broken personal belongings, but they are thoughtful. You may need a gift receipt, but they are thoughtful.

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