Bugle Boy

School shopping is not fun. It’s an expensive and daunting task. Every year, I scour the earth searching for different color pocket folders with prongs. Trying to find the damn yellow folder is like looking for a mystical stone in India. A mother with a shopping cart is much more difficult to dodge than a boulder. So, when I found a packet of six folders with every required color I was thrilled. It was as if I struck gold. I thought I was ahead of the game this year. Then, I got the supply list.

You have got to be kidding me. No clasp? No mother f**king clasp? NO MORE WIRE HANGERS! I’m sorry. I forgot where I was for a moment. Sure, I will go on a scavenger hunt for folders without clasps.

I will look for them when I am done hunting an endangered species; loose fit jeans. Who was the first man to wear skinny jeans? Nobody knows. Why? Because there would be a bounty on his head. I’m not looking for a pair of Bugle Boys to go with my B.U.M. sweatshirt. My kids don’t like tight jeans. I want to buy them a pair of regular jeans that aren’t “regular fit.” I don’t want the “original fit” because being original apparently means looking like AC Slater. Why are tapered jeans making a comeback? Also, why are you buying acid wash shirts in 2014? You aren’t that supermodel in France on the cover of a magazine. You are shopping at a bulk foods store in a small town. There is a cornfield across the street. The supermodel in France looks foolish, too. Stop it. Stop it, now.

Most men look dumb in skinny jeans. Nobody wants to see an outline of your wrinkly testicles. However, loose fit jeans aren’t sold in most stores. I have to draw the blinds and order them inside my house, shrouded in shame. A cashier laughed in my face today when I asked for loose jeans. Well, he would’ve laughed if his jeans weren’t cutting off his circulation.