Bugle Boy

School shopping is not fun. It’s an expensive and daunting task. Every year, I scour the earth searching for different color pocket folders with prongs. Trying to find the damn yellow folder is like looking for a mystical stone in India. A mother with a shopping cart is much more difficult to dodge than a boulder. So, when I found a packet of six folders with every required color I was thrilled. It was as if I struck gold. I thought I was ahead of the game this year. Then, I got the supply list.

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You have got to be kidding me. No clasp? No mother f**king clasp? NO MORE WIRE HANGERS! I’m sorry. I forgot where I was for a moment. Sure, I will go on a scavenger hunt for folders without clasps.

I will look for them when I am done hunting an endangered species; loose fit jeans. Who was the first man to wear skinny jeans? Nobody knows. Why? Because there would be a bounty on his head. I’m not looking for a pair of Bugle Boys to go with my B.U.M. sweatshirt. My kids don’t like tight jeans. I want to buy them a pair of regular jeans that aren’t “regular fit.” I don’t want the “original fit” because being original apparently means looking like AC Slater. Why are tapered jeans making a comeback? Also, why are you buying acid wash shirts in 2014? You aren’t that supermodel in France on the cover of a magazine. You are shopping at a bulk foods store in a small town. There is a cornfield across the street. The supermodel in France looks foolish, too. Stop it. Stop it, now.

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Most men look dumb in skinny jeans. Nobody wants to see an outline of your wrinkly testicles. However, loose fit jeans aren’t sold in most stores. I have to draw the blinds and order them inside my house, shrouded in shame. A cashier laughed in my face today when I asked for loose jeans. Well, he would’ve laughed if his jeans weren’t cutting off his circulation.

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