Goodbye Velcro

I taught my son how to tie his shoes and call a therapist in the same day. Someday, a skilled professional can help him sort through all of my parenting failures. I tried to avoid this day as long as possible. Up until now he wore sneakers with Velcro. Do you know who invented Velcro? God. My son could put his shoes on all by himself and take them off. Since I didn’t have to tie his shoes I had more time to nag him to put his shoes on. Unfortunately, they don’t sell Velcro sneakers in his size anymore. Someone, somewhere decided Velcro was not cool. Great job. You just made my mornings that much more stressful. Velcro is great for babies. Older people rock the orthopedic Velcro shoes. So, why can’t we wear Velcro in the years between? Do you know what else is great? Elastic. Yet, someone decided elastic wasn’t cool either. Has anyone ever complained that elastic pants were uncomfortable? No.

I tried the “bunny rabbit ears” method. Fail. I tried the “wrap around the tree” method. Fail. So, I went to google. There has to be a stranger out there somewhere who could parent my child. We found the perfect video. You tie, make a few loops, tuck, pull and ta-dah! You’re ready to go to school to learn the new Common Core 90 step process for simple addition. He tried a few times, but ended up exactly where he started. So, I tried to grab his hands to demonstrate. He ripped them away, “I can do it!” Clearly, he could not. He tried again, but couldn’t quite figure it out. I tried to demonstrate again. “I can do it!” We began tugging back and forth on the string. I shouted in, what can only be described as, a Mommy Dearest voice, “Let me just show you one more time!” It may not be a good idea to teach anything when I have PMS. I don’t have the patience. I really don’t have enough patience when having a hot flash. I have said it before and I will say it again. I could never be a teacher. They are a rare breed of incredible people.

We both calmed down and I finally convinced him to let me hold his hands and demonstrate. Then, I held my breath while he attempted to tie the laces on his own. I passed out from a lack of oxygen and my son had to call 911. I’m kidding. I just wanted to see if you’re still paying attention. He did it! His face lit up. This kid has the most beautiful smile. He was so proud of himself. I was proud of him and glad I won’t have to do that again until my daughter outgrows Velcro sneakers.

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