It wasn’t me

I am not a fan of public bathrooms for obvious reasons. My children never have to go when we are home, but the minute they see a restroom sign it becomes urgent. I do have them trained to walk in like surgeons with their hands up in the air. They know not to touch anything. If they forget I squeal like Sharon Osbourne, “Don’t touch it!”

Well, today I was the one who couldn’t hold it. I had just finished a large coffee from Starbucks. After three kids you run the risk of wetting your pants with a sneeze. There was no way I could hold it until I got home. At this point I was inside Walmart. (Gasp!)

I knew the bathroom was going to be disgusting, but did not expect it to look like a war zone. There was toilet paper on the floor and walls. It appeared as if a woman fell to the ground while taking a shit in the first stall. There was a skid mark down the front of the toilet. How else could that happen? Another was clogged with green, mushy feces floating at the surface of the bowl. Too much information? Wait, it gets better. Horrified, I stumble out of the bathroom and nearly bump into a manager.

“Excuse me,” I said.

“Can I help you find something,” he replied.

“No, I just wanted to tell you that someone clogged the toilet.”

He gave me a look of absolute displeasure and began interrogating me, “Someone?”

“Yes. Someone It wasn’t me.”

“Okay,” he said in a doubtful tone.

“I mean, if it was me I would admit it now or I would have left the store by now completely embarrassed.”

“Okay ma’am.”

He wasn’t convinced.

“No, it’s not okay. It’s disgusting and it wasn’t me!”

I walked out of the store in a huff. As I stepped into my minivan I realized there was a piece of toilet paper stuck to my shoe. Awesome. Plus, I still had to pee.


  • The Guy Side

    Why do I picture the guy from the restaurant that Ferris Bueller had lunch at on his day off? ‘Your Abe Froman…the sausage king of Chicago?’ I like it when you enter a bathroom after someone clearly had problems and as you are about to leave, someone enters. It’s worse at work and the next person in is your boss.

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