My mother used to tell me “Just wait until you have kids.” The wait is over. My daughter is already a drama queen. She is only 5-years-old. When she doesn’t get what she wants she sobs, places her hand over her heart and says, “You don’t love me.” It is a ridiculous statement. I do a million things because I love her; things I don’t necessarily enjoy. Let me list a few:
1.) Went to breakfast with Santa when I had a head cold –
My head felt like it was going to explode, but I still had breakfast with a stranger who dons a velvet coat every December. I helped her make an ornament with glitter. Glitter was created by Satan. I spent $8 for what amounted to a Holiday Inn Continental breakfast and sat in a chair built for elementary students, not a middle aged woman who eats candy before bed. I did all of this smiling even though I wanted to curl up in a ball and die.
2.) Volunteered in a classroom –
Do you think I enjoy listening to students read “Kip Gets a Mit” over and over again? Kip didn’t bring her glove to a baseball game. So, she catches the ball with her hat. I’ve said it before and I will say it again, I’m calling bullsh*t on that one. She wouldn’t be allowed to play. This story is even more annoying when every word is sounded out. The kids are adorable, but I don’t have the patience to be a teacher.
3.) Watched Caillou –
I hate that little f*cker.
4.) Went on a field trip to a farm –
I am okay if I never see another cow milked again. I like to pretend milk comes from the grocery store. The end. It is more appetizing than watching it drip from an udder while standing feet away from cow sh*t.
5.) Went to a show on ice. –
I am a grown adult. I want to go to the movie theater and see R rated movies. I want to sit in a comedy club and hear curse words. I don’t want to see Princess Elsa do a triple Salchow.
6.) Visited an amusement park –
I get nauseous riding in the passenger seat of a car. Tilt-a-Whirl is my worst nightmare. I’m also terrified of riding on roller coasters being operated by unqualified toothless men or teenage girls. Nor do I want to wear a bathing suit in a wave pool with dozens of strangers who may have just urinated.
7.) Rummaged through the garbage –
Remember that time I sifted through coffee grounds, spaghetti and snot covered tissues to find the toy you accidentally threw away? This wasn’t on my bucket list.
8.) Threw a birthday party –
I am not crafty. There is pressure to come up with a cute theme. I need to find a location. Then, there are invitations, the cake, party favors, etc. It costs a small fortune and is a headache.
I could list a million things I do to make her happy. My joy comes from seeing her smile and hearing her laughter. She doesn’t get it, but just wait until she has children.