Someone recently said three words I never thought I would hear: Who is Oprah? Gasp! There isn’t enough time in the day to discuss the life lessons I learned from Oprah. Trust your gut, don’t park near conversion vans, always holler when introducing someone, if you own a magazine make yourself the cover girl every month, etc. I saw a conversion van in a plaza parking lot tonight. The little Oprah voice in my head whispered, “Crime is about opportunity.” I parked as far away as I could. When in doubt, always assume someone is a serial killer.

I went shopping for teacher’s gifts after the kids went to bed. I am going to tell you something the kindergarten teacher is too nice to say. They don’t want crap made by your kids or anything that says #1 Teacher. Where the f*ck are they supposed to put a #1 Teacher plaque in their house? It goes with, um, nothing. Also, a picture of your child is not a gift. Plus, there is a good chance the photo isn’t as cute as you think. You get “Parent Goggles” when raising a child. Everyone thinks their offspring is adorable. If you can’t afford a gift write a nice letter thanking the teacher.

If I were a teacher I would want money or Botox. Once in awhile there will be a Groupon for Botox. I ain’t got no shame. If there was coupon for a breast lift I would clip that sh*t.

The truth is I could never be a teacher because they are saints. I don’t have the patience to deal with disobedient children and snotty noses.

Bottom line, I don’t care if you celebrate the holiday or not. I think you can spare a few bucks and get the person teaching your child to read a descent Christmas gift. If you can’t come up with your own idea just ask yourself WWOD? What would Oprah do? Then, buy something similar that costs a lot less because you don’t have Oprah’s bank account.

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