It turns out jeggings are not my friend. They don’t support me and show the world all my secrets. So, I sent them back and went shopping. I would rather sit on a cactus while listening to Miley Cyrus and watching Keeping up With Kardashians than try to find a pair of jeans that fit. It is hell. I nearly called 911 the first time I tried on a pair of skinny jeans. It took a lot of work to get them on. I nearly broke into tears when I couldn’t get them off. My cankles were hanging on to that material for dear life. I was sweating, imagining the fire department cutting denim with the jaws of life. I finally broke free and learned a very valuable lesson: I need jeans with some elasticity. Do you know what I really miss? Overalls. Can we bring them back into style? The buckles can be adjusted. You can buckle both or just one when you don’t want no scrubs. The material is loose fitting allowing one to forgo Spanx and let your belly breathe. While we are at it I wouldn’t mine seeing the banana clip back on store shelves.
I tried on a few pairs of jeans with no luck. Sometimes you have to accept defeat and realize it’s just not your day. I wanted to make a B-line for the exit when a “50% off” sign screamed my name. One more pair. I would try on one more pair and that is it. I was greeted by an overly enthusiastic salesgirl who could have been cast as Patty Greene on Square Pegs. “So, like, what can I help you find,” she asked. I reluctantly told her my size. She grabbed a few pairs and escorted me to the changing room. “So, like, what’s your name?” Was she going to friend me on Facebook? Why on earth would she need my name? I cursed the inventor of skinny jeans and donuts inside that dressing room. It was time to wave the white flag. I would quietly slip out of that room, drive home and put on a pair of Yoga pants. Of course, not even that would be easy.
Just in case I had any self esteem left she wrote my name on the door. The only thing that could have been worse was if she used a megaphone to announce “The middle aged Mom in this dressing room is trying to squeeze into pants designed for a teenager.”