Life’s a Beach

Why does the woman with gigantic implants and a rock solid body have to park her ass next to me at the beach. I have a tribe of Tween boys with me that don’t need any stimulation. Not to mention I was actually feeling good about myself having lost 10 pounds. I mean, not good enough to cram my gut in a bikini. I was sporting a tank top and Bermuda shorts to hide the cottage cheese on my thighs. Now, I feel self conscious.

It was a spur of the moment decision to take the kids to the beach yesterday. Before we walked out the door I fantasized about how relaxing it would be. It is supposed to be relaxing, right? A gentle breeze, feeling the sand beneath your feet, a good book, etc. Well, that’s if you are single. I was exhausted before we even arrived. After all, I just spent an hour and a half packing food, towels, clothes, drinks, toys etc. I need a UHAUL just to get our bags from the car. Then, I played referee while trying to hear a British woman navigate the trip. Screw cup holders and DVD players. Build me a minivan where my kids can’t speak or look at each other.

For the first 30 minutes at the beach my daughter screamed every time she got a grain of sand on her leg. Unfortunately, we were at the fucking beach and it was impossible to avoid it. Then, I wasted at least 30 minutes trying to explain to the same 2-year-old why she couldn’t poop in the sand. Next, my little darling (who was overdue for a nap) screamed for what seemed like forever because she wanted to go home and sleep in her bed. I would drop down on a filthy sidewalk if someone said I could nap. Why can’t children appreciate the pure joy of sleep? Anyway, I tried holding her, talking softly, being firm, but nothing worked. She flailed around like a fish out of water. Nearby, the plastic lady stared in horror. Well, I think she was horrified. She lost the ability to show expressions three surgeries ago. I’m certain her nanny would never tolerate this behavior. However, I wasn’t going to make my two boys and their friends leave because our princess wasn’t happy. When she realized I wasn’t budging (or her tear ducts dried up) she said, “Okay, I’m happy now.” The end. I took her in the water and she laughed so hard her little belly shook. We splashed and jumped up and down as she begged, “Again, Again!” She even played in the sand helping the boys build a castle. She was having so much fun she didn’t notice the sand accumulating on her legs. Hearing her giggle and seeing my boys enjoying themselves made the trip worth it. Don’t get me wrong. I still wanted to punch the plastic broad that was able to relax on the beach, but we had fun.