I don’t know how many people saw my ta-tas. I imagine that is a question Pamela Anderson can’t answer either. I realized, as I walked to my car after work, that my shirt was wide open. I was wearing a tank top with buttons. You know the saying, Suns out, guns out. I am kidding. I was wearing a cardigan, too. I’m bringing sexy back. The top five buttons were undone. The girls were out, getting a little fresh air. Why didn’t I feel a breeze on my bosom? I have no idea. Should I be offended that nobody noticed?
I turned on the radio to try and relax. Of course, the same songs that played on my way in to work were playing again. (No, you cannot marry his daughter and you are not fancy!) It reminded me that I have yet to complete my minivan mixed tape.
While scrolling through new releases I discovered that Nicki Minaj’s album just dropped. She seems like such a nice girl. She has a song called “Anaconda.” My kids love snakes. Let’s take a look at the lyrics.
My anaconda don’t
My anaconda don’t
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun
How cute. They are sampling a song I danced to in high school about snakes. Snakes like buns. Who doesn’t. Bread is delicious.
Boy toy named troy, used to live in Detroit.
Big dope dealer money, he was getting some coins
I don’t think Troy was made by Fisher Price. He is apparently a coin collector.
I’m high as hell, I only took a half of pill
I’m on some dumb shit
By the way, what he say?
She must be on the 15th floor.
I hope you have a prescription for that Nicki? You may want to check the pamphlet that comes with a prescription to see if memory loss is a side effect.
This dude named Michael used to buy motorcycles
D**k bigger than a tower, I ain’t talking about Eiffel
Does he buy motorcycles for his own personal use or does he sell them. Does he have a large garage to store the motorcycles? There are so many questions here.
Real country a** n**ga, let me play with his rifle
P**sy put his a** to sleep, now he calling me NyQuil
Playing with rifles is dangerous. Your friend needs to get a gun cabinet. It is sweet, however, that he likes kitty cats.
He can tell I ain’t missing no meals
Come through and f**k em in my automobile
While I am glad you are eating three square meals a day, I don’t approve of what you are doing in the car. Who is going to buy the cow if you give the milk away for free?
Nicki has a Tourette’s fit at the end of the song.
I am sorry Miss Minaj, your song does not get this Mom’s stamp of approval. It will not be on the minivan mixed tape.