Oh, Sugar!

I have decided it is time to cut back on the amount of sugar I consume. It’s not really a health issue. It’s more of a “My legs look like cottage cheese and my love handles are becoming love railings” issue. I feel like a fat ass. There ain’t a pair of Spanx in the world that can smooth these ripples out. Look, I don’t want to be skin and bones. I don’t want to look like Chaz Bono either. Potato chips and fried food aren’t my Achilles heel. It’s the cake, candy bars, gummy fish, cookies, licorice, etc I walked into Dylan’s Candy Bar in New York City and thought I had died and gone to heaven. Well, except for the pushy crowd and the guy with ripe body odor. Everyone wears deodorant in Heaven, right? God I hope so. So far I survived one day without a piece of candy. This is hell. At one point mid-afternoon I contemplated licking frosting off my daughter’s hand. I’m on the verge of going to Walmart, buying a pint of ice cream and a pair of elastic pants.

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