Piss on You

Here is another missing chapter in the “What to Expect When You Are Expecting” series :

“Piss on You”

There is nothing like the smell of a baby. You will find yourself sniffing their sweet little bodies dozens of times a day. It’s not just the shampoo or powder you use. There is something else and the scent is intoxicating. Then, they piss on you. It seems odd to say, but it is actually funny. Well, it is funny when it happens the first time. You get the hang of diaper changing and then potty training starts. They piss on you again. Actually, they piss on you, their clothes, the floor, the bed and maybe even the dog. Once they are potty trained you think you are in the clear. You couldn’t be more wrong. They won’t piss directly on you. They will piss on the toilet seat, the wall and even themselves, but inevitably it will get on you, too. Oh, but wait there is more. Just the other day I took my daughter for her annual physical. They needed a urine sample. How hard could that be? She is 4-years-old. I think you have a better chance at winning the lottery then getting a clean catch. If I let her stand she would get urine on the floor. I draw the line at cleaning bathrooms at a doctor’s office. I had no choice. I held the tiny Dixie cup in the toilet while my daughter peed. A few drops made it into the cup, but for the most part she pissed on me. Really? Really. Teenagers piss on you, too. Of course, not literally. They piss on your ideas, jokes, food, etc. It is just another joy of parenting. Someday, I will tell them these stories just to piss them off.

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