Rock, paper, scissors…shoot

My children have been playing rock, paper, scissors all week; the winner gets to wake up several times a night.

A few nights ago my son must have had scissors over paper and had a nightmare. Did he dream that he forgot to save his progress after playing Minecraft? Was a monster, zombie or Gloria Estefan in his dream? Maybe he was running from the rhythm so it didn’t get him tonight. He doesn’t remember what happened.

The next day my 4-year-old daughter obviously got paper over rock because she woke up at 3 a.m. to go to a rave. Why else would she be wide awake at that hour? She isn’t work overnights at the factory. She wasn’t sick. I woke up that early when I was pregnant with her, had a full meal and went back to bed. That is the only thing I miss about pregnancy. You can eat like a pig, lick your plate and people think it’s adorable. Please don’t ever say “adorbs.” Did you save that much time by not saying “-able?” What about “totes” instead of totally? Were you cast in the remake of “Fast Times at Ridgemont High?” Then, cut the sh*t.

In the days that followed, my daughter came down with the “Forget about sleeping because this night is going to suck virus.” It’s not listed on WebMD, but it’s very real. There are no symptoms during the day. In fact, the coughing doesn’t start until you fall asleep. The moment you get up to check on your child it stops. Lay your head back down on the pillow and she starts hacking louder than ladies at a Bingo Hall on a Friday night. Rinse and repeat until you are so tired you want to cry. That sums up why I have looked like Steve Buscemi all week. Shoot.

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