Selfie

I have been scouring the internet for a distraction. I need something, anything to drown out the sound of my aching heart. I came across a photograph posted by TMZ of a 900k car on a flatbed truck. Apparently, the custom made vehicle belongs to William from the pop group Black Eyed Peas. William, Will.i.am, tomato, tomatoe, whatever his name the story aggravated me. I suppose it didn’t help that an hour earlier I was returning soda cans. Are those machines designed to spit warm pop in your face? (I grew up calling anything with carbonation “Pop.” Over the years I got all fancy and started using the word soda.) I guess that is the punishment for being lazy and not rinsing every bottle. There are teachers living paycheck to paycheck and a guy who produced a song about “my humps, my humps, my lovely lady bumps” owns a million dollar car?

I was still sad and now I was pissed. So, I logged on to Facebook which was another bad idea. Between the overly upbeat status updates (F*** you for being happy), pictures of food and selfies I was back to square one. What is a selfie?

According to Urban Dictonary

Selfie: A picture taken of yourself that is planned to be uploaded to Facebook or any other sort of social networking website. You can usually see the person’s arm holding out the camera in which case you can clearly tell that this person does not have any friends to take pictures of them. A selfie is usually accompanied by a kissy face or the individual looking in a direction that is not towards the camera.

You can pretend you want people to see something in the background, but the truth is you think you look good and want the world to see. The folks at Yahoo News came up with the following rules which should be law:

1. Selfies are off-limits for anyone over 21*
Are you allowed to legally consume alcohol in the United States of America? If so, you are too old to go fishing for compliments with a self-portrait. Leave the selfies for Snapchatting teens who can use the word “ratchet” in a sentence without Googling “ratchet” and “urban dictionary” at the same time.

2. The following words and phrases are banned from selfie captions
• “Bored”
• “Studying”
• “Ready for bed”
• “Good morning!”
• “Hitting the gym”
• “#GQ” (LOL)
• “Work hard, play hard

3. Use your selfie allotment sparingly
Selfies are like paychecks: If you’re like most people, you only get two per month. You know that grid on your Instagram screen that only fits nine square thumbnails at a time? Your selfie-to-pictures-of-other-stuff ratio should be 1:8. Failure to comply gives your friends permission to mercilessly make fun of you.

4. Don’t look stupid
No duck lips. No ironic peace signs. No fake sleeping. No lying down. No crying toddlers in the background. These kinds of things are non-negotiable. Smile, if you’re up for it. Failure to comply, again, gives your friends permission to mercilessly make fun of you.

5. Own up to it
You’re allowed to show some skin. You do, however, have to own up to what you’re trying to accomplish by doing so. For example: “Check out my sick abs, guys” is more acceptable than “Lol my bathroom mirror is dirty” . Be honest. Honesty is good.

(The above list is courtesy of Yahoo News. I wish I would have come up with it first, but alas.)

The list was entertaining, but didn’t help. I am finding it hard to laugh these days. I just cannot stop thinking about my dear friend and her sweet baby, Grace. God, it is just not fair.

Read more: CynicalMother.com

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