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Don’t Be Tardy For the Party
I partied today like I was in college. There was drinking, vomiting and someone got hurt. The only difference is I was at a party for my 5-year-old. I had the best of intentions. The problem is I organized this shindig a few days ago. Some Moms, those who wear candy corn sweatshirts at Halloween, book parties a year in advance. My kindergartener wanted to go to an indoor trampoline park. We invited a few friends, cousins and then I called to book tickets. Now, the problem with doing things in that order is the party rooms were booked. Hakuna Matata. We would just snag a few tables to sit…
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Another Giveaway!
We at CynicalMother.com are in the giving mood. Do you want to win these super cute cobalt blue bracelets? I am not going to front. (I think that means pretend) This is fashion jewelry. Translation: Cash 4 Gold isn’t giving you squat for them. Honey, Oprah don’t live here. We are low budget. That could change if you would tell your damn friends to read the blog. Until then this is our prize. It’s easy to enter. Just subscribe to the blog right over there on the left hand side. Yep. Enter your email and get notified when we post something new. How great is that? Do it!
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Sand storm
I am thinking about entering the next “America’s Got Talent” competition. My skill is more impressive than singing, dancing or eating fire. I can have a complete conversation with my friend despite the fact that our kids (six between us) are constantly interrupting. I have been friends with Tiffany (with a y) since college. We met at Applebee’s where we both worked as waitresses. I didn’t get along with the majority of the staff, but Tiffany (with a y) and I clicked instantly. There happened to be another server named Tiffannie (with an ie). She was my arch nemesis. Tiffannie (with an ie) was the leader of the popular waitress…
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Rapunzel, Rapunzel
My daughter loves books, but is too controlling to allow me to read all the time. (I have no idea where she gets that from) She wants to read to me. Unfortunately, she is not a child prodigy. So, she makes up a story to go along with the pictures. This morning she read me a book about Rapunzel. Her version is very different than the fairy tale I remember. It is definitely different from the board book we own: Her translation: “Rapunzel grew out her hair because she hates her mother. Her mom is always complaining.” Come to think of it, my daughter refuses to get a haircut. She…
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Falling Slowly
There is nothing funnier than watching a baby fall asleep while sitting in an upright position. Their cute little heads bob up and down as they struggle to stay awake. It happened to my daughter tonight at the kitchen table. I giggled for a few moments before carrying my sweet princess to bed. Actually, I take that back. There are more amusing things to watch. Take for example the time one of my co-workers, a TV news anchor, fell on her face while shooting a story. She was not a very nice person, but she played one on TV. She did a weekly spot using a product As Seen on…
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Excuse me Siri?
I am sure this post will offend some people. I know it’s hard to believe, but not everyone enjoys my humor. It has to be difficult to laugh with a stick up your ass. I need to get a “Holier than Thou” filter for my inbox. I am pretty sure Jesus frowns on hate email. Anyway…… I learned an important lesson last night about computerized women. You should never leave your children alone with them. My 5-year-old, up past his usual bedtime due to a jelly bean induced sugar high, was walking around the kitchen with his Ipod asking Siri ridiculous questions. “Did you poop?” “I hate you,” he giggled.…
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Walk of Shame
On occasion I will run errands while wearing pajamas. I know, I am a bit of a risk taker, a rebel. My sleepwear is nothing like the attire in a Victoria’s Secret catalog. I prefer to look like I am playing right field in a softball game. Yoga pants and an oversized sweatshirt are better than birth control pills. I only stop at places with drive thru windows. I would never get out of my car while wearing pajamas. Well, that is, until this morning. I planned to make a quick trip to the bank. I had my deposit slip signed and card ready. I wore sunglasses hoping to avoid…
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Bad coach
Update: Rice has been fired. Good. Have you seen this video of Rutgers men’s basketball coach, Mike Rice, abusing players? Rice is seen yelling homophobic slurs, shoving and kicking players. It doesn’t stop there. He must have deep rooted issues from his elementary school days. As if playing a heated game of dodge ball, he throws basketballs at their legs, heads and bodies from point-blank range. I hated dodge ball. I also dreaded rope climbing. I never made it to the top. Call me crazy, I didn’t trust that the paper thin mat on the ground would break my fall. Overall, gym class was my least favorite subject. It could…
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Laughter is the best medicine
My children argued from morning until night. They fought over a chair even though there were four identical ones at the table. They argued over the couch. “That is my spot.” My daughter is the Christopher Columbus of sectional furniture. She apparently discovered a particular cushion and makes everybody move. At one point, I was screaming at them to stop screaming. Of course, it was that moment when the doorbell rang. I seriously thought about making everyone hide. Who was at the door and how much did they hear? Then, I realized it was just my parents. There was no need to be embarrassed. They know my house is crazy.…
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April Fool
Call me crazy, but I don’t like to be lied to. I don’t care if it is December or April. Unfortunately, it is the day when people make things up without facing any consequences because they shout, “April Fools!” Oh, you aren’t really dying? I didn’t win the lottery? There is no such thing as bacon mouthwash? Well, you got me a-hole. I think I have a pretty good sense of humor, but I won’t be pulling any pranks today. I can share an awesome deal I just scored on Shutterfly. They have a coupon for 101 free prints. So, you can knock out the person who played an April…