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Barbie Girl
Do you know what hell is? Listening to a Norwegian pop song over and over before the sun comes up. So, why do it? Well, my husband doesn’t always think about the consequences of his actions. My 3-year-old daughter loves to play with Barbies. He thought to himself, I bet she would love a song about Barbie. Before I could talk him down from the roof he jumped and downloaded Aqua’s Barbie Girl circa 1997. If you have children you know when a child likes a video, book or song they really like it. They want to watch, read or listen to it a million times a day. So, I…
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Cuddler
This is too good not to share. Someone posted a recliner for sale on a Facebook virtual garage sale site. As you can see in the description it’s a “Cuddler recliner.” I am guessing by the stains there was a lot more than cuddling going on here. Gross. The price should be $whythehellwouldyoubuythis.
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Run, Forest, Run
A lady who bears a striking resemblance to an Old Maid card kicked my ass on the high school track. I went for a run yesterday to train for a 5k. The race is today. I am used to running on a treadmill. So, I figured I should introduce my sneakers to pavement. I usually try to avoid exercising in public because I sweat profusely. It was 8:30 a.m. and the track would be empty, right? Wrong! After one lap grandma jumped in lane two. Ha! I thought to myself. Eat my dust grandma! A little healthy competition is a good thing. I threw on will.i.am’s “T.H.E The Hardest Ever.”…
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Minivan salute
Motorcyclists have a special connection with one another. I have never been on a hog because I am what some may call a chicken. I didn’t learn to ride a bike until I was 9-years-old. I figure if God wanted us on two wheels we would have been born with them. A car is another story. You don’t expect me to walk everywhere? As a kid I would get on my Huffy bike, fall off and say to myself, “F-this!” Then, I would throw that sucker on the ground and go watch Saturday morning cartoons. Motorcyclists take better care of their bikes. They also have clubs, matching jackets and a…
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How it’s made
One of my husband’s favorite TV shows is “How It’s Made” on the Science Network. My brain operates a little differently. As long as it works I could care less how it is made. However, after forcing him to watch “Magic Mike,” I agreed to sit through his program without complaining. Honestly, I don’t get why that movie was such a hit. A male stripper’s dance moves are not sexy. Can you even imagine your husband or boyfriend tearing off his pants to reveal a thong? Then, dancing around the bedroom jiggling his ass and throwing in an occasional pelvic thrust? The documentary on how flip flops are made was…
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Baby book meltdown
I was an emotional wreck tonight reading a book written to teach babies about body parts. Hand, (turn page) fingers,(turn page) belly, (turn page) leg, etc. Surprisingly, it was never chosen as a selection for Oprah Winfrey’s Book Club. There is no storyline or life lesson. It also wasn’t completely made up by James Frey. The baby model must have been cast by a blind editor. This kid is ugly. You are lying if you say, “All babies are cute.” Of course, my children were gorgeous. However, this baby looks like the product of a cousin/cousin marriage. Still, it brought me to tears. I read this book to each of…
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Not my job
My name is Deanna and I am an enabler. (Hi, Deanna) If something isn’t done I will do it myself. Thus, I am always the one doing the menial chores. Well, that is going to stop because I am doing my children a disservice. I came home from the store a few days ago and much to my amazement my husband unloaded the dishwasher. I applauded and busted out a cheer from my high school days. Yes, I was a cheerleader. It was a brief experiment. My legs are like bricks. My Herkie looked more like a country music line move. Plus, cheerleading skirts and cankles don’t mix. “We are…
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Tooth Fairy Fail
I would like to apologize to our neighbors and plead with them not to call child protective services. My 6-year-old was not being abused last night in spite of the screams reverberating through the street. He lost a tooth. Yes, that is it. He loses his mind at the sight of blood. Actually, he goes to the school nurse for even the tiniest scratch. His tooth was dangling by a very thin thread. With one gentle twist it broke loose. Once the tears dried my kids were imaging aloud what the tooth fairy might bring. My 3-year-old daughter, who obviously just returned to 2013 via a DeLorean equip with a…
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What makes a good mother
I am a good mother, damn it. No, I don’t always cook homemade meals. My 6-year-old wants to work at McDonalds when he grows up so he can see me. My kids know all the important curse words and can spell them. (but wouldn’t dare say one.) Sometimes I raise my voice and may even scream. I have forgotten appointments and field trips. My 3-year-old daughter knows the words to songs by rap artists and rock stars. I occasionally allow my kids to take a sip or two of my coffee. I don’t own a glue gun and think hodge podge is an appetizer at TGI Fridays. So, what makes…
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You say it’s your birthday
I think I am having somewhat of a midlife crisis. Don’t panic. I have not purchased a Corvette or gold chain. I guess I just thought that, by now, I would know what I want to be when I grow up. (Obviously, I’m not going to be one of the Fly Girls after all.) There are 38 candles on my cake today and I am still searching for my passion. I started this blog not only as a way to vent, but because I like to write. I walked away from the news business after a decade because I couldn’t write about death and destruction anymore. I don’t regret my…