Hairy situation

It is one of the great mysteries in life. How is it you can shave your legs regularly, but miss the same spot over and over again? You never notice it in the shower. The patch of hair can only be seen when you are in a public place. For me, that was at the dentist’s office. I made an appointment because of a toothache. It turns out a piece of a filling cracked. The dentist says I “might as well have a root canal.” Might as well? You might as well eat French fries. You might as well have another cocktail. You don’t might as well have needles stick needles in my gum line and use a drill to kill a tooth.

Growing up I went to a dentist (may he rest in peace) whose office was in a village with one stop light. He wasn’t exactly up to date on the latest technology. He didn’t use string and a pick up truck to pull teeth, but it was almost that bad. Fast forward a decade and I have more metal in my mouth than Lil’ Wayne. I use my “grill” to scare the hell out of my kids. “Do you want your teeth to look like this?” They are frozen with fear. “Then you better brush your teeth!”

I was sitting in the chair waiting to have an x-ray when I noticed a patch of hair that was long enough to braid. I quickly crossed my legs to hide the hack job.

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The dentist didn’t even look at my legs. I guess the “Mom sandals” I was wearing didn’t catch his attention. Until recently, I didn’t know there was such a thing as “Mom sandals” either. A friend’s teenage daughter informed me that my fully cushioned flip flops are not cool. Go figure? Upon entering the room the dentist asked, “So what seems to be the problem?” My mouth wanted to make a smart ass comment like “My vagina has been itching.” My brain, realizing that is funny, but highly inappropriate edited my response. “My, um, tooth, is, um hurted.” What the….? Hurted? Now, my chart has a footnote Patient has a difficult time speaking and shaving her legs properly.

Binders Full of Women

Oh Mitt, Mitt, Mitt.   Clearly, you didn’t listen to your mother when she told you to “think before you speak.”   First, you allude to firing Big Bird.  Then, you reveal you keep women in binders? I barely have enough room for coupons in a binder.  I think we need to focus on the issues, but this is funny:

STFU people without kids

Believe me. I get annoyed with parents writing posts about their perfect children. I know it’s all BS and your child is really Satan. However, I actually enjoy looking at pictures my friends post on Facebook of their kids. Blair Koenig does not. This chick started a blog called STFU Parents. We all know a Blair. She is the bitter woman who doesn’t have children. She may not want them. Perhaps she is jealous because much of her adult life has been spent on a bar stool or hugging porcelain. Some of her stuff is really funny, but some of it is mean. There is a simple solution. Adjust the privacy settings on your Facebook page or defriend her. Then, you can post video of your delivery without being ridiculed on her website. On that note, I would never want a permanent recording of child labor. My first baby was delivered without an epidural. I don’t recommend it. I screamed like a feral cat. I almost died delivering my daughter. Besides, your child will never want to watch a DVD of your vagina stretched to the size of a melon. I have known people like Blair who turned their nose to anything related to children. Then, they had a baby. She will change her tune. (By the way, I couldn’t even find a Blair Koenig on Facebook. So, she doesn’t want you to see her personal page? Yet, she is trolling the internet and using photographs of strangers on her blog. Interesting. )

Read More: CynicalMother.com

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Satan’s Whip

I saw this fly ride on my way to pick up up my son. When I last saw my 5-year-old this morning he was crying as his teacher peeled him off my leg. He isn’t feeling the whole kindergarten thing. He told me he “knows his colors and can count to 10. So, what’s the point?” Oh, I don’t know. The last time I checked you can’t list your knowledge of the rainbow as a skill on a resume.

Doesn’t it just warm your heart to see a truck labeled “Satan’s Ride II” parked near an elementary school? It has to make you wonder what “Satan’s Ride I” looked like. I bet “Satan’s Ride II” doesn’t have a clean record on Carfax. I’m shocked Satan’s whip is a mid-90’s Jeep. I figured he could afford to lease a newer, luxury vehicle. I’m not going to preach the bible, but if this is as good as life gets for Satan you may want to play for the other team.