I received a Christmas card from a family posing in front of a castle in Europe. The blond haired blue eyed children would make great models for an Aryan Nation recruiting poster. It made me want to vomit. Is that the most pretentious, annoying holiday greeting ever? Nope. A family in Truman Burbank’s neighborhood wins that prize. Meet the Holderness family. They opted to make a viral video this year instead of their usual Christmas newsletter.
What makes people think we want a newsletter about their lives every December? Does the fact that you installed new carpet trump the birth of Jesus Christ? Suzie is taking dance? No s**t! I have seen a picture of her in the same ballet costume every week for the past year on the Facebook. Your bumper sticker reminds us every day that Billy is an honor student. Thanks to Instagram we know your teenager is drinking underage and really good at taking kissy duck face selfies. Mom is volunteering when she isn’t eating (holy weight gain Batman) and Dad started a new job that he hates. If we cared about your life we would already know this. Besides a few elderly people on your list, most of the recipients are mocking you and your letter.
I won’t deny that the Holderness family is smart. They knew a video would land them on a morning talk show where they can promote their new business. Am I bitter I didn’t think of it? I would be if I could get past the fact that this song makes me want to slit my wrists.
(Can’t sit through the entire thing? Here is a summary:
They have a kid named Penn, expensive pajamas, a large home, their other kid speaks Chinese and the parents are ridiculously fit. I know, hysterical, right?)