Let it Go! Oorah!

I have heard this song 999,999 times.  My daughter puts the kitchen chairs in rows, makes me sit and watch her perform.  I’m not allowed to hear the actual song.  She wears headphones while she belts out the incorrect words.  Once again, the past isn’t in the car.  It’s really pleasant.  I’m also not permitted to sit in the front row.  Those seats are reserved for the invisible ticket holders. I can barely see past their giant heads.  Just when I thought I couldn’t take another YouTube video of “Let it Go” this came along.  I present to you….what happens when Marines watch Frozen…..

Nailed it!

I don’t want to brag, but my friends and I won the lip sync contest back in middle school. I wish I had video to share because it was a killer performance of The Shangri-Las’ “Leader of the Pack.” I was the lead and nailed it. This kid would have blown me out of the water, but he wasn’t alive back then. I don’t know if I have seen anyone ever moonwalk as well as Michael Jackson until now. There is only one thing that annoyed me. Could someone tell the girl at 1:40 ish to sit the hell down?

Taye Diggs followed you

I will never forget the moment Taye Diggs followed me on Twitter. My kids were finally asleep. I was laying in bed, bloated with a heating pad resting on my abdomen and eating a can of Pringles. I was licking the salt off my fingers when my phone buzzed. It was an alert from Twitter. Did someone like my thought enough to retweet it? How can I feel good about myself unless a complete stranger pats me on the back? Favoriting a tweet only feeds my insecurities Why wasn’t that good enough for a retweet? It’s like getting second place. Nobody is going to see that you favorited my tweet. You might as well give me an invisible trophy.

It wasn’t a retweet. Taye Diggs followed me. I figured it was a fake account, a ploy to get me to click on a gambling website or porn. No, it was really him. A million thoughts raced through my head. Taye must dig c-section scars. Perhaps, it’s the ponytail I am currently sporting on top of my head. Maybe, just maybe Taye likes a good set of cankles. I posted the screen grab to Facebook bragging about my new admirer. Eat your heart out ladies!

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Then, the truth came out. Taye doesn’t like my body and think I’m sexy. He isn’t telling me so. He doesn’t find me funny or want to read my blog. Taye is just using me. He doesn’t care about me at all. He is just trying to get followers. According to Carson Daly, who the Today Show is holding captive in an orange room, Taye is on a Twitter following spree. He is not only a two timer, but 35,000 timing me. He is following 800 new people a day. It’s working. He has gained more than 40,000 followers since he went on this spree of deception. I forgive you Taye because you are pretty. Plus, whether you admit it or not you are from my neck of the woods. I will follow you back Taye Diggs, but don’t hurt me again.

Siri + preschooler = Friday night entertainment

There was a time when I spent Friday nights bar hopping with friends. How did the phrase “Bar Hopping” come to be? Did people hop to bars before the automobile was invented? Hopping is a lot of work. I would much rather skip or sidestep than hop. Hell, “Bar Galloping” would be easier, but I digress. My point is times have changed. My entertainment this evening came from a 4-year-old and Siri. This is the advertisement for Siri:

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Oh, really? That is not entirely true if a preschooler fires off questions.

My daughter was telling Siri about the birthday party she attended today. Sure, my kid speaks in fragments followed by run-on sentences and throws “-ed” on just about every word, but this isn’t even close:

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Next, my daughter asked Siri if she was funny, if she wants to play and them said, “poop.” Why? Saying the word poop is funny when you’re four. It is knee slapping, roll on the floor, get stomach cramps funny. Some things just can’t be explained. This is what Siri heard:

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What the hell is “pink bunny?” Is that a “game” people play at Coachella?

Finally, and my favorite thus far, my daughter asked Siri to show her a picture of a real unicorn. I play along. After all, she believes an obese man can slide down a chimney, a life-sized bunny brings her candy and a flying lady wants her old teeth. What’s one more lie? This is what Siri came up with:

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We will take that as a yes.

Teacher’s only

I finally did something I have wanted to do since I was a kid. I peed in the staff bathroom at my old elementary school. When I was in the second grade I saw two teachers walk out of the bathroom laughing. They are having fun in there. I imagined parties with candy, gold sinks and fancy soaps. Why else would they forbid kids to enter?

I volunteer every Tuesday to read with the students in my son’s class. You haven’t lived until you’ve listened to the same story over and over and over again. I could recite the book, “Kit’s Mitt” with my eyes closed. It’s about a girl named Kit who shows up to a baseball game without a glove. Yet, she is still allowed to play and ends up using her hat to catch a ball. I’m calling bulls**t on that one. The kids in this class are great. They are sweet and make me laugh. Plus, a few of them think Kit’s story is bulls**t, too.

I was exhausted during today’s session. So, I drank a lot of coffee. Clearly, I cannot use the toilets in the children’s bathroom. They are way too low. I don’t think I would be able to stand back up. My legs are burning from my latest workout. That’s right fellas, I am going to be rockin’ that mom swim skirt at the beach this year.

I had to use the staff bathroom before I coughed or sneezed. (You know what I am talking about ladies) I half expected to hear someone scold me for going inside. (Cue: orchestra music, orchestra music comes to a halt) It turns out it’s just a regular bathroom. The wall is adorned with framed pictures from the 1980’s. There’s a fake floral arrangement on a small table that would make Oprah Winfrey cringe and a few bottles of lotion.
This is it? This is what I have waited thirty years to see?
Maybe when Kit makes it into the major leagues she can give the bathroom a makeover and give the hardworking teachers the serene space I imagined as a kid.

Instant Karma?

Have you seen this video making its way around the world wide web? Jeffrey White, of Florida, was caught on camera tailgating a woman on a highway and giving her the finger. Seconds later, he spun off the road and crashed into a light pole. He was arrested for leaving the scene of an accident.  There is no denying Jeff acted like a jerk, but do you notice something wrong in this video?

 

Besides the fact that the woman videotaping (old habits die hard) recording the video had her phone in the wrong position (always record horizontal people!) did you notice she was driving in the wrong lane? Was she intentionally trying to piss him off? I learned in Driver’s Ed. that you always drive in the right hand lane unless you are passing another vehicle. My Driver’s Ed. teacher was a little crazy. I think you have to be slightly insane to allow children who have never been behind a wheel to be your chauffeur. I think driving with your eyes closed would be safer. He wore a short sleeve dress shirt and often had crumbs in his lap. Short sleeve dress shirts say I just woke up from a coma. or I give up on life. Either way, they are not fashionable or sexy. Anyway, the chick on this video needs to get the hell out of the way. It drives me insane when someone doesn’t obey traffic laws. Well, unless I am running late and STOP morphs into a yield sign. I am often late and at this point I don’t even feel bad. It’s not my fault. My children always have something to do at the exact moment we are supposed to head out the door. “Mom, I can’t wear this! I need to dress like SpongeBob construction girl.” Of course you do! Silly me!

We don’t all have time for a leisurely Sunday drive on a Monday. Besides, what are you looking at? People driving in the wrong lane are usually looking from left to right repeatedly. Is this your first time driving in this magical land? Are you overwhelmed by the scenery or are you looking for a good spot to put the body in your trunk? Keep your eye on the road and hit the gas. I hate to admit it, but I would have whipped this lady off, too.

F**k you, Caillou

Ten things I would rather do than watch Caillou.

10. Get a Brazilian wax

9.   Give a Brazilian wax

8.  Wake up in 1970 with a debit card and no cash

7.   Wake up next to Carrot Top

6.    Be a Kardashian 

5.    Be Kid Rock’s Loofah

4.   Try on swimsuits with model Giselle Bund- whatever the hell her name

3.   Eat out of the nacho fountain at Old Country Buffet

2.   Walk around Orlando, Florida in August wearing a long sleeve pantsuit made out of bacon 

1.    Call my bank using a rotary telephone

 

Bad Words

There is only one way to end this stellar day and that is binging on a heaping pile of waffle fries before midnight at an airport restaurant. A few women, whose diet likely consists of water and rice cakes, stared in envy. A guy in a Duck Dynasty sweatshirt gave me a thumbs up. #WINNING

My journey to the Big Apple is coming to an end. I was invited to a screening of Jason Bateman’s directorial debut, “Bad Words.” (The film is set to be released on March 14th.) I brought my good friend Kristin with me. We stopped for a drink at Tao before the movie. (Oh, you fancy, huh?)

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There were already a dozen people seated when we arrived at the screening room. I caught a glimpse of the guest list which included The New York Times, Washington Post, Huffington Post, etc. “Are you sure they meant to invite you,” Kristin asked. (Aren’t friends great?) These were professional film critics. I didn’t even have a pen. They were wearing trendy glasses and cool jeans. My shirt had two grease stains that looked like testicles. I knew I should have worn a bib at lunch. They discussed books they’ve written and movies they recently reviewed. We took a selfie in the incredibly comfy chairs.

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We were just two mom’s excited for a night out. I am not a scholar or a film expert. I am not going to discuss the historical and cultural contexts of the film. I can tell you the movie was funny as hell. (LOL x 100)Bateman plays Guy Trilby, a 40-year-old who weasels his way into a national spelling bee. You don’t learn until the end why he was vying for the trophy. Bateman’s character is an asshole, a likeable asshole, but an asshole nonetheless. It is a far cry from the yuppie family man which he is usually cast. Imagine Derek Taylor (Silver Spoons) meets Howard Stern. The script is vulgar, but the story is sweet and yes, yes, yes there are scenes that will make your jaw drop.

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If you are easily offended stick to watching old VHS tapes of Little House on the Prairie. You won’t hear Laura Ingalls compare a vagina to an old sweat sock or witness a grown man convince a kid his mother is a whore to break his concentration during the competition. You also won’t laugh. The critics can say what they will, but that room was bursting with laughter. Midway through the film I predicted the ending, but not the route Bateman took to get there. The film took several unexpected turns. One thing didn’t shock me: Bateman is a talented actor and director. From the opening sequence to the last shot Bateman nails it. Valerie would be so proud.

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