…. and I thought an elderly man in a Speedo was scary. This would freak my kids out. It is the latest craze in China: a face-kini. Get it? It’s a bikini for your face. I’m not making this up. The Chinese want to enjoy those UV rays without having to apply sunscreen. (Clearly, they saw the news story about the suntanning mom in New Jersey.) My 2-year-old would need serious therapy if she saw, what looks like, a blue zombie frolicking in the sand. She wouldn’t go near an uncle with a beard for the first year and a half of her life.


I understand wanting to avoid those dreadful wrinkles, but really? Besides, wouldn’t you sweat your ass off in this thing? I look like a hot mess after taking my kids to the beach. It is quite a workout. My daughter likes to pretend she can swim. This requires me to hunch over and hold her body on top of the water. I apologize to those of you that had to stare at my derriere for hours on end.

I suppose the face-kini levels the playing field for ugly women. Even children are wearing them. Yeah right! My kids would throw the biggest tantrums. My daughter refused to put shoes on yesterday. She wanted to run around town looking like a hooker in green plastic dress-up heels.


This is one item “Made in China” that may not make it on to U.S. shelves. We prefer to pay a dermatologist to fix our mistakes.


Read more: CynicalMother.com


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