I don’t watch much news on TV since leaving the business. It is partially due to the fact that my television is locked on cartoons. My days are spent with pigs that grunt mid sentence, rabbits who have no adult supervision and a fox struggling with Kleptomania. I DVR most of the shows I enjoy. I hope to watch them when my children go off to college. I read about current events on my phone. I actually prefer it to watching an hour long broadcast. It allows me to skip the depressing stories and scroll to headlines like this:
Former Shoe Salesman Arrested For Trying to Cut Off Ex-Girlfriend’s Toe
Curiosity got the best of me. I had to know the back story. It turns out this isn’t the first or second time this freak has attacked his ex’s feet. It is the third. In fact, he was charged with aggravated assault for biting off part of her toe. You know how bad it hurts when you stub a toe on a chair. You dance around in circles until the pain abates. Can you imagine what losing a toe feels like?
I will screen every guy who wants to date my daughter. I dated a few losers in my life. Those relationships didn’t last long. I broke up with a guy in college after the first date. He was in dental school. I am not going to lie, I fantasized about living in a mansion in L.A. paid for by LeAnn Rimes’ caps. He pulled up to my house in a souped up Monte Carlo. He was a tool on so many levels. Life in a trailer park flashed before my eyes. I barely made it through dinner. My daughter’s suitors will have to fill out a questionnaire. Question #15 – “Do you bite feet?”