Secret healing clay

I have reached the age where I frequent the face cream section at a department store.  I am basically looking for a miracle to erase years of sun bathing.  I grew up during a time when we thought it was a good idea to coat our bodies with baby oil and lay in the sun for hours.  We knew our skin would burn.  It would either peel or turn into a tan.   I know, it was idiotic.    I have the wrinkles to prove it.  

I will be honest, I don’t want to age gracefully.   I recently purchased a product dubbed “the world’s most powerful facial.”  ‘Aztec Secret Indian Healing Clay Deep Pore Cleansing’ set me back about eight bucks.  The name alone gave me goosebumps.  I had the secret healing clay at my door within two business days.   There were over 5-thousand positive reviews on Amazon.com about this product.  If 5-thousand strangers say something works then it must, right?  

  
 I’ve never had a facial because I am cheap.  The directions on this container suggest mixing equal parts water or cider vinegar to the clay powder. I opted for water because it doesn’t matter how great your pores look if you stink.   Next, you’re supposed to mix the clay until it is smooth.   It turned out like my mash potatoes do every holiday; lumpy.   
 
It was cool and refreshing for the first few minutes. Then, my skin started pulsating.  This is supposedly a good thing.  The clay got harder and harder as the minutes ticked by.  

     
It was at that moment that my 5-year-old daughter woke up crying.  It was a natural instinct to run to her room.  I didn’t give it a second thought.  I probably should have.  This is what I looked like:
  

Now, imagine you are a 5-year-old child.  You wake up from a nightmare hoping to be comforted by your mother and the Wicked Witch of the West appears at your bedside.  Let’s just say the money I saved on this home facial will be used to pay for therapy.