Spring Essentials

Grab your puke bucket, (if you’re not a parent you may not have one. In that case, get to the nearest bathroom) Gwyneth Paltrow has a new blog post. Now, I like her as an actress. However, she is kind of out of touch with the average Joe. She released her list of “Spring Essentials.” Funny thing is the 3 pack of cotton Hanes Hipster panties are not on the list. Look, I am over the whole look at my sexy, uncomfortable underwear. At my age, I am anti-wedgie.

I thought I was high-maintenance for requiring extra dressing when I order a salad. (Yeah, I splurge and pay the extra 50 cents.) Gwyneth takes it to the next level. Her “Spring Essentials” will only cost you $458,003. It includes a $5,495 Valentino Rockstud python trapeze bag. (Perfect for spilling juice from sippy cups) For $1,615 you can get a Temperley London skirt. Gwynnie says, “For a night in with guests, a long skirt manages to look dressed up wile still conveying a relaxed feel.” Hahahahahahahahaha. I had guests over Friday night. We wore blue jeans and ate pizza. I changed into Yoga pants to make more room for the chicken wings.

I figured I would make a more realistic list of “Spring Essentials.” My grand total: $57.16

SPRING ESSENTIALS:

I love adding a splash of color to my outfits. And by outfits I mean t-shirts and cardigans. Adding a piece of bright jewelry gives the illusion you dressed up.

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Target.com

I love this dress for three reasons. 1.) it’s cute 2.) it only cost $15 3.) it covers my cankles

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Forever21.com

Sure, I would love to own a pair of shoes with red soles. It may never happen. However, I can throw on a cute pair of red flats. Sure, for $12.87 the shoes may not last forever. What shoes do when you are wearing them to playgrounds?

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Walmart.com

I have been wearing this perfume for years. I love it. Granted, Brad Pitt won’t whisper about it. Britney Spears won’t design the bedazzled bottle, but it smells great. It drives the fellas wild when I hop out of the minivan.

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Amazon.com

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