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Leather Tuscadero
I ordered a pair of pleather pants. I don’t think I’m having a mid-life crisis. That would require a Corvette and gold chain. Perhaps, it was just a lapse in judgement. They are the “in thing.” I don’t know who decides what is trendy from season to season. Based on what I see in magazines, it must be dictated by a woman whose waist is smaller than my thigh or a man behind a curtain like the Wizard of Oz. I would like a word with either one. I have a bone to pick over the “cold shoulder” trend. I get that, at my age, the sexiest thing on my…
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True Christmas Spirit
‘Tis the season for my 6-year-old daughter to go around the house gathering her toys, jewelry and crafts made out of toilet paper rolls to wrap up. She is the queen of re-gifting. I remember going to a birthday party as a kid and one of the guests did something similar. She re-gifted used earrings. Some of the girls laughed behind her back. Others felt bad that she couldn’t afford something new. As an adult I think differently about that box of tarnished stud earrings. Perhaps, the gift was actually more thoughtful than any of the scrunchies, banana clips or jelly bracelets we purchased. Maybe she sacrificed her prized possession…
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Instagram Husbands
This video is pretty funny. It’s funny because it happens. I went to a wedding this past weekend and forced a friend’s boyfriend to retake a photograph a dozen times. (I also may have participated in a dance-off. A.C. Slater doesn’t have anything on this girl after a few cocktails.) I blamed the boyfriend’s photography skills. The truth is the lighting was less than flattering if someone was overdue for a Botox injection. The camera has to be positioned at the right angle to get the Jennifer Lopez glow and avoid the double-chin shot. If that doesn’t work you can go with the black and white filter. In desperate…
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Jeb on pause….
I finally got around to watching the premiere of “The Late Show” with Stephen Colbert. I am hoping to get a chance to finish that new movie “Titantic” next weekend. Of course, I didn’t watch “The Late Show” in one sitting because my children don’t want me to relax. They usually wait until I sit down to ask for something. In this case, I am grateful for their neediness. I discovered a real gem watching the interview with Jeb Bush. I should clarify. I discovered a hidden gem pressing pause during Jeb Bush’s interview. Perhaps I am just sleep deprived, immature or both, but I found…
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Bad boys, bad boys…
I got pulled over this morning by a cop on a bike. This was not an episode of “Chips.” He was on a bicycle. A police officer on a mountain bike stopped me in my vehicle. He made the siren noise with his mouth. No, not really, but that would’ve been funny. I was at a stop sign, about six cars from the crosswalk, waiting for the crossing guard to guide some young lads to the other side. When I grow up I want the confidence of a crossing guard. She has no fear. She wears that neon jacket with pride and stops cars like…
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Funny farm
I am not perfect. I know, it may come as a shock to many of you. I forget things. If you ask my children’s teachers they will tell you that I forget a lot of things. I just remembered that I signed up to be chaperone for a school field trip to a farm. I’m sure that is real comforting for the parents of the children I will be guiding around a large tractor and hay bailer. Perhaps, I blocked out the trip because of the location. Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate a hard working farmer. I appreciate food that comes from farms, but why in the hell would…
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Rock, paper, scissors
I have a new hatred for the paper gowns at a doctors office. I sat in an exam room with an 8-year-old patient for 45 minutes. My son was scheduled for a checkup. It would have been a stress-free appointment had it not been for the constant rustling of the gown. Like most children, he cannot sit still. It’s no secret that I suffer from Misophonia. A crisp apple can send me over the edge. Being in a 10 x 10 room with a child in a paper gown is pure torture. I was on the verge of ripping the damn thing off him when the…
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Guessing Game
I am convinced my children were game show hosts in a past life. They are constantly making me guess things, but there is never a prize. Every statement begins with one question: “Guess what?” I am at a disadvantage. I would have to be the ‘Long Island Medium’ to guess correctly and that’s impossible because my curling iron retired in the 1990s. I recently jotted down some of the interesting things that followed after my children said, “Guess what?” Well, that’s a lie. I didn’t jot anything. Who jots anymore? We keep notes on our phones. ‘I typed on my phone’ just doesn’t have the same ring to…
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Conversations in the minivan
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Podcast
Here is another podcast for your listening pleasure. I am not pretending to be Howard Stern. It’s a work in progress. I celebrate small victories. For example, I finished this podcast without a single child asking for food. My children want a snack minutes before a meal begins and seconds after a meal ends. I am convinced they have tapeworms.