Urine Controlled Video Games?

You have got to be kidding me?  I will never get my boys out of the bathroom if this becomes a trend.  A minor league baseball team in Pennsylvania is going to offer urine-controlled video games. No, I am not making this up. The system is designed by a British company called Captive Media.  The custom urinals feature a “pee controlled” video screen. (R Kelly must be so happy!) SMH!  (I just learned what SMH means.  I had to google it after I received a text message.)

For example, in a snowboarding game, to turn left you urinate to the left, to turn right you pee right.   My children have a hard enough time with their aim and don’t need anymore distractions.  “Mom, I missed,”  has been said many times in my house. I guess these stalls are popular in Europe.  Can you even imagine the germs? I don’t think we need to give men a reason to spend more time in the bathroom.  Do your business and get the hell out.

 

Tooth Fairy

My son has a loose tooth.  He is excited, but a little terrified at the same time.  Can you blame him?  The kid has grown accustomed to using all of his teeth to chew food.  Now, five years later I inform him they are going to fall out.  “What day will they fall out?”  he wondered.  As a parent I would like to have an answer for everything.  If I don’t have an answer to a homework question I secretly Google it.   If it can’t be answered on the internet I call my Mom.  “I don’t know,” I said.  “It will come out when it’s ready.”

He knows what happens each time a tooth comes out.  His friend lost one this past week.  The tooth fairy gave him a baseball.   How the hell do you sneak that under a pillow?  I’m guessing the kid woke up with a stiff neck.  My son thinks the tooth fairy makes jewelry out of teeth,  (I throw it away.)  “The tooth fairy is small. (Thank You, I have been running.)  She will tiptoe into my room  (I will walk) and leave a nickel.”  Hold up!  A nickel?  Does he think this is 1940?  Thomas Jefferson can’t even get you a gumball these days.  He is going to lose his shit when he finds Abraham Lincoln under his pillow.  Whenever it happens. 

CynicalMother.com

Are you ready for some football?

It is the time of the year when men focus on something other than sex. Football. Unless you live under a rock you know today is the season opener for most teams in the NFL. I am not your stereotypical woman. Oh, don’t get me wrong I complain every Sunday. I am different in the sense that I actually enjoy watching football. However, the earth I live on doesn’t stop spinning at kickoff. I still have to take care of our three children. One may need food in the 1st quarter, a butt wiped in the 2nd and another will demand I attend a tea party in the 3rd and 4th. If they are thirsty, they are thirsty. They don’t care if the game is in overtime. I will become a single mother until our team is knocked out of the playoffs.

I live in upstate New York. This is Buffalo Bills country. Our team has had a streak of bad luck. Still, we are devoted fans. After every loss my husband mopes around the house like a kid who lost his puppy. Every year Bills fans will say “This is our year.” I certainly hope so. I don’t need another person whining in my house. So, let’s go Buffalo!

My kids already drank the Kool-aid:

 

Beach Porn

I was so busy with the BlogHer conference, playing with dolls and cleaning toilets (not necessarily in that order) I forgot to show you the greatest picture ever. I took my kiddos to the beach recently which, if you are a parent, you know is an accomplishment in itself. You have to pack food, towels, extra clothing, toys and beverages. Then, you have to cart it all back through the hot sand while carrying a whiny toddler.

We actually had a great time with my brother, sister-in-law and nephews. The water at the lake was the perfect temperature and clean. (We have an algae problem from time to time, but who doesn’t) The kids swam for hours, built castles and didn’t argue once.

They also got to see an old man in a Speedo build a sand sculpture. Bonus! He was an interesting fella. His skin was leathery; the apparent result of years of tanning. Patches of white hair were scattered across his golden bronze chest. He was wearing a tiny red and black bathing suit that could barely hold the weight of his testicles. He did create what I thought was an amazing work of art out of sand. Of course, that is until, three pubescent boys start gawking at it. The sculpture was a naked woman lying on her side. The younger children giggled because she wasn’t wearing clothing. The artist was so proud of his work he started doing handstands. True story. You haven’t lived until you have seen a 70-something man’s junk hanging upside down. Here is the photo I snapped of the “artwork” :

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Dear anonymous,

What a pleasant way to start my day.   I got an email  from “anonymous” criticizing my choice to leave the news business and write “trash.”  First of all, I always value opinions from someone who doesn’t even have the balls to put his/her name on a message.  I am still a journalist.  I will, in fact, freelance write serious articles about parenting.  However, on this site I will be me: a loving, sarcastic and (if I do say so myself) witty mom.  I like to laugh about ridiculous situations in life.  The wonderful thing about the world wide web is you have so many choices.  So, being you are clearly uptight, perhaps you would enjoy reading the articles at a porn site.  Have a wonderful day! 

Getting rid of that jiggle

My arms tend to keep waving when I have stopped.  I looked on Youtube to find some good exercises to tone these muscles.  Most of the trainers are really enthusiastic. Translation: annoying.  I found this video useful as long as you keep the sound muted. 

Minivan Mix

I need to make a new “mixed tape” for my car. If I hear “Call Me Maybe” or “Moves Like Jagger” one more time I’m going to flip out. I enjoyed both songs until the 50,000th time I heard them. My kids are a little obsessive compulsive. If they like a something we have to hear it over and over again. Terrestrial radio is always a gamble. Recently, I had to explain why Flo Rida wants someone to “blow my whistle.” Clearly, he’s playing soccer and wants the referee to call a penalty. Duh! When my children were toddlers I could rock out to whatever I wanted. They didn’t have a good grasp on the English language. Well, times have changed. I went through my Ipod and found song after song that I can no longer play in my children’s presence. From time to time I will analyze lyrics to show you why.

Let’s begin with this:

Artist: (If you can call her that) Ke$ha

Song: “Take It Off”

I enjoy running to this song. However, you don’t really want to encourage your kids to idolize Ke$ha. In this song we learn that this young lady carries Whiskey in her handbag and throws glitter on the floor. You know how impossible that is to clean up. Plus, she is not only texting, but texting while she’s drunk. Finally, she loses here clothes in a crowd. I get frustrated when a sock is missing. Imagine if my kids lost all of their clothes!