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Insane in da brain
I thought I was going to lose my mind today. I didn’t start a fire in my neighbor’s driveway or tweet to Drake requesting he murder my vagina. I did start a load of laundry without adding detergent. I know, insane in the membrane. (Insane in da brain) My children got on every last nerve. They were extremely whiny, teasing and fighting with one another non-stop. On an average day I get a brief reprieve when my daughter takes a nap. She didn’t sleep today. “He’s looking at me!” Really? I am supposed to punish your brother for looking in the direction you are standing? My 6-year-old was channeling Sally…
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www.WTF
Here are a few stories that caught my attention while surfing the World Wide Web this morning: Shoplifting Mama An Iowa Mom who was busted for shoplifting claims she was beat down by police. This chick, Brandie (with an ie not y)Randall, stuffed $388 worth of clothing into her 1-year-old daughter’s stroller. Now, she is crying foul claiming police brutally attacked her in a store office. Do you smell a lawsuit brewing? Correct! Brandie (with an ie not y) is working with a Chicago-based civil rights group, Living and Driving While Black Foundation, to file a lawsuit against the officers. Redell is Caucasian. She should be suing the person who…
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Breaking Bad the Musical
I cannot wait for the season premiere of “Breaking Bad.” I have been like a crack addict at Betty Ford. I need my fix of Walter and Jesse. Here is a recap of the past five seasons in a musical performed by middle school students. Bravo!
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Play date
My daughter went on her first play date alone. I didn’t make her hitch hike to the house or anything. I actually saw a guy hitch hiking a few days ago. He looked like he hadn’t bathed in six months. There may have been a bird or two living inside his hair. He definitely was not carrying teddy bears inside his backpack. I would give you a ride dude, but I kind of want to live. I dropped my daughter off at her friend’s house. Consider it a compliment if I trust you with my child. I worked in TV news for a decade. So, I am paranoid as hell.…
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You scream, I scream
My kids have discovered the ice cream truck. I was outside weeding when I heard the faint sound of a bell ringing. It brought back fond memories of my childhood. The ice cream truck was nearby. I dropped my gardening tool and ran inside to grab my purse. Well, it was more of a speed walk. “Hey guys! It’s the ice cream truck!” My children had no idea what the hell I was talking about, but ran outside anyway, “What’s an ice cream truck?” I explained, “You can buy ice cream right outside your house!” I sounded like I was selling the ShamWow. My son was skeptical, “Real ice cream?”…
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What It’s Like to Have a Brother With Autism
This short film was uploaded to YouTube by Spencer Timme. He made it for his best friend & brother, Michael, who is autistic. The video is called “What It’s Like To Have a Brother With Autism.” Grab a tissue before you press play.
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Look at your own risk
My eyes are burning. Geraldo Rivera tweeted a picture of himself wrapped in a towel. Sure, you can look good at any age, but it’s Geraldo. I can’t get past the mustache. A penny for your thoughts?
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Dog in viral photo dies
I wouldn’t say I am a dog person. I am not a fan of it’s drooling, shedding and occasional urge to vomit on carpet. A dog won’t puke on hard wood flooring. No, no, no, that would be too easy to clean. A light colored area rug? Perfect. I was in line at Target behind a woman whose shirt was covered in cat hair. I wanted to slip a lint brush in her cart. She must have been really hot. The temperature inside the store felt like 90 degrees. In case you missed the news, we are having a heat wave on the east coast. I always hated covering hot…
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Real problem
Just when you are starting to feel good about yourself a child will crush your self esteem. My 3-year-old daughter recently asked me, “Can I tell you something?” Usually what follows is I have to pee. or I want juice. So, I let my guard down. “Sure sweetie, what is it?” She smacked her lips together and after a dramatic pause said, “Well, your breath stinks and it’s a real problem.” Really? “That’s the truth,” she said, threw up her hands and walked away. It’s not like I suffer from halitosis. I enjoyed a cup of coffee. Now I have to pop mints to impress a toddler? My daughter also…
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Fashion police
I don’t want my daughter to dress like a whore. Unfortunately, fashion designers have another plan for her and millions of other children. My daughter will be 4 in October, but is already outgrowing a size 5T. She is tall for her age. I’m not exactly short. The little kid section has racks of pretty dresses, tops and bottoms with matching accessories. In many stores the big kid department has shirts covered in lace, metal studs and glitter. Call me old fashioned, but I want my daughter to look like a lady and not like Elizabeth Berkeley in Showgirls. It is not going to be easy to find school clothes.…