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Hello, Newman
It’s quite appropriate that I would find this when cleaning out my son’s backpack this morning. If you haven’t been following along the crossing guard at my son’s school hates me. Doesn’t the Starbucks barista hate her too? Yes, there are one or two or twenty people who dislike me. Whatever. It’s not my fault. The crossing guard is becoming my “Newman.” We greet one another with a smile and suspicious glare. Our encounters have stretched beyond her crosswalk territory. On Friday I decided to take the kids for ice cream after school to celebrate their first week. I also wanted a coffee, but that wasn’t why we went.…
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Legendary dancing
A friend described my dancing at a recent party as “legendary.” Now, I’m not sure if that is a good thing. Perhaps, he thought I looked like a circus freak having a seizure. I don’t really care. If there is music playing I am moving. How on earth can you stay seated when “Jump Around” is blasting through the speakers? (Note to self: jumping around after having three kids isn’t always such a good idea) I have rhythm, but never took dance classes. I’m tall and awkward. I don’t care. I’m not dancing to win America’s votes. I like to joke around. I may even drop to the ground and…
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Mid-life crisis
I have been whining for years that I need time alone. Being the mother of three, I can rarely pee without having a conversation with a child. Mom, who would win in a fight? Batman or Wolverine? Could we have this riveting debate after I wipe my vagina? Well, I’ve finally got time to myself and I don’t know what the hell to do. This morning I sat and cried with another mother over coffee. This woman had no idea what she was getting into when she invited me. Our tearful conversation began at the cash register. The barista was training and couldn’t figure out how to key in my…
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I have no words
First there was the Macarena. Then, came Gangnam Style. If this song is played on terrestrial radio I will just drive in silence. Well, I will have to listen to three children complain about the silence. What the….what is going on here?
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Knock, knock
You’ve got to love those crazy Russians. When they aren’t passing ridiculous laws against the LBGT community or giving (allegedly) chemical weapons to Syria, they make funny commercials. This spot for a flat screen TV is wild. How angry would you be if you were the butt of this joke?
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Tooth fairy returns
I want to go to sleep, but I can’t. It’s my own fault. I am the moron who thought it would be a good idea to tell a tall tale. I was the one who convinced my child that a fairy will collect his teeth. It didn’t take much. Actually, I question a child’s intelligence every time I tell this lie. A fairy? Really? Really? A woman flies in your room and gives you money for your tooth? You won’t believe me when I say we are out of cookies, but this broad is legit? You aren’t questioning her sanity or mine for letting her in our house? Anyway, I…
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Hurry Up!
It’s time to slow down. I am guilty of repeatedly telling my kids to “hurry up.” In fact, I said it twice this morning. “Hurry up and get dressed.” “Hurry up and eat your breakfast.” A friend shared this article from The Huffington Post on Facebook. (Yes, old folks haven’t made the transition to Instagram and still use The Facebook.) It literally brought me to tears. Then again, these days I cry when we run out of ketchup. (Hormones + Baby starting pre-school = emotional wreck) Here is an excerpt of the article: The Day I Stopped Saying ‘Hurry Up’ Rachel Macy Stafford When you’re living a distracted life, every…
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Sheep Protest
I find many protests laughable. I covered my fair share while working in local news. It’s the same group of people at every one. I don’t know if they are passionate about the cause or just unemployed. If you want to make a difference donate to a charity or volunteer. Besides, do you really think holding a poorly made sign on a street corner is going to convince the President of the United States to end a war? I’m just sayin… This protest really made me chuckle:
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Elvis Impersonator
Whenever I hear an Elvis song I think of my grandmother. I can still see her dancing around the dining room table while his music played on her eight track player. It was bitchin’. There was plexiglass on the bottom half and disco lights would flash to the beat. Rewind? Fast forward? Nope. You had to click around through each song. My grandma was a feisty red head. God, I miss that woman. My Mom has the same love for The King. She will get a kick out of this little girl rocking out in her car seat. Watch the whole thing. It is funny.
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Bun in the Oven!
You probably read the headline and thought, She is having another baby? Lock your knees woman! No. I am not with child. My uterus is tired. This is video capturing the moment a stranger announces her pregnancy. Why spend time with my family when I can watch video of random people on YouTube? My announcement was slightly different than this one. It went a little something like this: “You are never going to believe this. I am pregnant.” (Look of sympathy) “Oh no, what are you going to do?” Fast forward 13 years and I have three kids. I never thought I would have children. I was career driven. Getting…