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Allow me to rephrase that
I feel dirty. I just called my father to ask if he would watch my daughter while I picked up my 5-year-old son from school. I knew he would say yes, but offered a bribe anyway. “If you come over I will give you a body wash,” I said. “What?” he sounded confused. “I will give you a body wash,” I repeated in a sweeter voice. He seemed disgusted, “You will give me a what?” I have a closet of toiletries from extreme couponing. We won’t have to buy deodorant ever again. Need floss? I got you covered. Earlier today my father asked, “Do you have anymore of that soap…
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I wish I may, I wish I might..,,
I love how the mind of a 5-year-old works. Tonight my son demanded I explain step by step the proper way to wish on a star. I didn’t know there was a right and wrong way either. Apparently, some snotty kid at school told him his wishes weren’t coming true because he wasn’t following the “wish making rules.” Clearly that kid broke the rules too because he is still living in a trailer park. (Oh, no she didn’t!) I thought about telling my son wishing on a star won’t guarantee anything. I couldn’t burst his bubble. I only tear down people I don’t know. Besides, I am guilty of wishing…
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Election Day
I thought I would share some election day wisdom from my 12-year-old. During a conversation at breakfast he offered this analysis of the last election, “People didn’t vote for John McCain because he was old and ugly and that is just wrong.” Perhaps that is how the Kardashians choose a president, but it is not why he lost. You can stop with the Facebook status updates reminding people to vote. Save the caps lock for those riveting updates about food. We all know the polls are open today. My polling place ran out of the coveted “I voted” stickers. The kind poll monitor gave my daughter a Hershey’s Kiss. Needless…
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VIP
Once you have children it takes a lot of planning to coordinate a girl’s night out. Last night our calendars were empty. The men would stay home with the kids. My husband assured me he would leave work on time. I took off the yoga pants and put on clothes. I was even going to wear heels. I was as giddy as a child on Christmas morning. Would I really have adult conversation tonight? I wonder what it is like to have hot food? Alcohol? The time I expected my husband to arrive came and went. Then, I got the call, ” I ran out of gas.” Let me repeat.…
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Halloween Party
We spent the day at a Halloween event in our community. My kids had a blast. There was a bounce house, an obstacle course, zip line, food, etc. A few kids dressed up, but mine did not. My 12-year-old is too cool and my 5-year-old follows his lead. Of course there was the 40-something adult decked out in a horrifying zombie costume. I’m guessing he lives in his mom’s basement. I never really liked Halloween until I had kids. I always felt like an asshole in costume. Some women use the holiday as an excuse to dress like a whore. When was the last time you saw a female police…
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A Cross Guard
The crossing guard at my son’s school takes her job seriously. I appreciate her dedication to helping America’s youth cross the street. However, now she has taken it upon herself to be a traffic cop. This morning, I pulled to the side of the street in a designated parking spot in order to walk my son to the door. He is 5-years-old. My 12-year-old wants me to park a mile away while wearing a disguise. Apparently, the crossing guard has a new rule. I didn’t get the automated message. Remember the days when schools sent home letters? Now, I have to listen to a computerized voice mispronouncing our last name.…
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Idiot!
My son got a yellow card. He didn’t delay the game or trip someone in a soccer match. He got in trouble in the cafeteria. Stand down Dr. Phill. I knew there was a problem when I picked him up. He walked slowly toward me, stared at the ground and mumbled, “My teacher wants to talk to you.” Great. What could he have possibly done? Did he recite a scene from “The Simpsons?” No, a 5-year-old shouldn’t watch that show, but Mommy can’t always be home. Sometimes Daddy makes poor decisions. What if he cursed? I will kill this little shit. My son started sobbing when the teacher began to…
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Ponyboy
My son’s homework assignment brought back a flood of memories. His class is reading the coming of age novel, “The Outsiders.” The assignment was to complete the first chapter and list descriptions of each character. I told him I had a poster of Ponyboy and Johnny on my wall when I was younger. I think I cut it out of Tiger Beat Magazine. Whatever happened to C. Thomas Howell anyway? Me: “The Outsiders was made into a movie in the 80’s” My son: “You were alive in the 1980’s?” Me: “Yes. I was alive.” My son: “Wow. Did the movie have any special effects?” Me: “No, but it was a…
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I have arrived
I am in the latest issue of a new online magazine for mom’s. I encourage you to check it out. There are some pretty incredible women featured on this site. Hell yes I’m referring to me too! BonbonBreak.com