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Quotes From the minivan
I am starting a new series titled “Quotes From the Minivan.” It will include random conversations between my children. Today: Child #1: “Eww, what’s that smell?” Child #2 “I have no idea.” Child #1 “Oh, maybe it’s just my hand.” Um, Wtf? …..and I quickly apply sanitizer.
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Selfie
I have been scouring the internet for a distraction. I need something, anything to drown out the sound of my aching heart. I came across a photograph posted by TMZ of a 900k car on a flatbed truck. Apparently, the custom made vehicle belongs to William from the pop group Black Eyed Peas. William, Will.i.am, tomato, tomatoe, whatever his name the story aggravated me. I suppose it didn’t help that an hour earlier I was returning soda cans. Are those machines designed to spit warm pop in your face? (I grew up calling anything with carbonation “Pop.” Over the years I got all fancy and started using the word soda.)…
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Here we go Loopty Lew
I spend hours helping my kindergartener practice writing his name. He will likely have better handwriting than me. I hold my pencil between the wrong fingers. So, my signature is a bit sloppy. However, it looks like calligraphy compared to that of Jack Lew. President Obama is expected to nominate him for Treasury Secretary. If he gets that gig his signature will be on the dollar bill. So, what’s the big deal? You tell me: Come on Jack! There doesn’t appear to be a letter in that loopy mess. Do you have hands like Mickey Mouse? Send me your address (print it. The postal service won’t deliver to OOOOOOOOO lane.)…
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Parent Rap
Speak the truth Mama…(and Papa) Watch this video on YouTube
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Wish List
Gwyneth Paltrow published her Christmas wish list. Phew! I have been to a million stores trying to find her the perfect gift. This will make shopping much easier. Included in her list is a quilted Yoga shirt with one strap. Gwyneth was frustrated that she couldn’t find a single strap Yoga shirt so she teamed up with Beyond Yoga to make one. I wish the only thing I had to worry about was whether or not my left shoulder was exposed during a downward facing dog. Girl has a lot of time on her hands. Give me $75 and I will cut one of the sleeves off your current Yoga…
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Road Rage
I have been slacking the past few days and haven’t written much. I have an upper respiratory infection. If my husband was suffering with this runny nose, sore throat and cough I would have to deal with his insufferable whining. He would have moped around in the “feel sorry for me” robe. I bought him a robe to wear from the bathroom to the bedroom. It is meant to be a cover up so my children aren’t scarred for life. It became an article of clothing. I want to crawl into bed until tomorrow. I don’t have that luxury because I am a mother. So, in between hosting house guests…
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Oprah’s Favorite Things
“If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?” I think there is an even greater philosophical question. “If Oprah releases her annual list of My Favorite Things and there isn’t an audience to scream and cry when receiving free shit, does the list matter?” The big O’s 2012 list will make you feel like a member of Honey Boo Boo’s family. Here are a few of my favorite gift ideas for people with more money than they know what to do with. Curtis Stone Kitchen Solutions Oil Can Can Do “So there I was, telling Curtis Stone how…
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A Cross Guard
The crossing guard at my son’s school takes her job seriously. I appreciate her dedication to helping America’s youth cross the street. However, now she has taken it upon herself to be a traffic cop. This morning, I pulled to the side of the street in a designated parking spot in order to walk my son to the door. He is 5-years-old. My 12-year-old wants me to park a mile away while wearing a disguise. Apparently, the crossing guard has a new rule. I didn’t get the automated message. Remember the days when schools sent home letters? Now, I have to listen to a computerized voice mispronouncing our last name.…
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Germ Buster
My son came home from school and demonstrated the proper hand washing technique. The school nurse visited their classroom and gave a lesson on how to be Germ Busters. The same child who complains daily about going to school loves pretending to be a teacher. He squirted two pumps of soap in his hand, lathered it between his fingers and asked, “Do we rinse our hands now?” He cut me off before I could speak. He didn’t really want an answer. “No, we don’t,” he said. “Say it together. No. We. Don’t.” Really? This is turning into a game of Simon Says? “No. We. Don’t,” I echoed slowly. His hands…
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Oh, You Fancy Huh?
It isn’t even 10 o’clock in the morning and my daughter is wearing heels. It’s a big day for our family. She is going up against Honey Boo Boo in a pageant this afternoon. We are hoping the slutty Marilyn Monroe dress is a hit with the judges. I’m kidding. She got a new Cinderella outfit for her birthday. She walks better than I do in heels and they are made of plastic. I have always preferred flats. I am also 5’8 1/2 inches tall. As a kid, I hated it. I had a serious growth spurt the summer before 7th grade and have the stretch marks to prove it.…