“If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?” I think there is an even greater philosophical question. “If Oprah releases her annual list of My Favorite Things and there isn’t an audience to scream and cry when receiving free shit, does the list matter?” The big O’s 2012 list will make you feel like a member of Honey Boo Boo’s family. Here are a few of my favorite gift ideas for people with more money than they know what to do with.
Curtis Stone Kitchen Solutions Oil Can
“So there I was, telling Curtis Stone how chic this stainless steel oilcan is, not realizing that it’s from his very own line! The elongated spout helps control the amount you pour so salads don’t get soggy.”—Oprah
Originally $60, now $48 with code OPRAH (expires Dec 31, 2012) | CurtisStone.com
So, you’re spending $50 to have salad taste like dirt? Why do rich people hate flavor? I want my salad drenched with oil. Thank you very much.
Octane Fitness Q37ci Elliptical Trainer
A Gym of One’s Own
“Bob Greene got me into this elliptical cross-trainer, and I’m forever grateful. It provides such a variety of total body workouts, including goal programs, like a 10K and half marathon—along with digital heart rate monitoring—that you’re more exhilarated than exhausted afterward. Why not give the gift of good health?”—Oprah
Why not give the gift of good health? Oh, I don’t know Oprah, maybe because your idea of a good health gift costs nearly $3,000. My price range is more along the lines of an Exclamation perfume gift set.
Lafco Soap Set
“This luxuriously oversize, deliciously scented soap is my new go-to gift. I even brought a set to Mr. and Mrs. Colbert when I interviewed Stephen for Next Chapter.”—Oprah
$238 for set of 14 soaps or $17 each | Lafco.com
Clearly, Oprah hasn’t tried Lever 2000. It smells fresh and doesn’t cost $238! Besides, who the hell wants soap for Christmas? Soap is a necessity not a gift. Why not just bottle air and put that under the tree.
I could just hear this guy on the phone with a friend, “So, this b**** wants me to find chocolate made with 67 percent cocoa.”
Pipcorn Holiday Crate
No Floss Required
“Pipcorn is a hulless variety of popcorn, which means it’s crunchy yet tender. It’s also naturally grown, popped in small batches using extra-virgin olive oil, and extremely tasty. Brother-sister team Jeff and Jen Martin took me up on my suggestion to add flavors like lemon truffle along with their signature rosemary, resulting in one of my very favorite things.”—Oprah
“Pipcorn” I guess that’s how fancy people say popcorn. I just bought a box from the boy scouts for $17. It’s not lemon truffle flavored, but I am white trash and prefer my popcorn tasting like, oh, popcorn.