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Real problem
Just when you are starting to feel good about yourself a child will crush your self esteem. My 3-year-old daughter recently asked me, “Can I tell you something?” Usually what follows is I have to pee. or I want juice. So, I let my guard down. “Sure sweetie, what is it?” She smacked her lips together and after a dramatic pause said, “Well, your breath stinks and it’s a real problem.” Really? “That’s the truth,” she said, threw up her hands and walked away. It’s not like I suffer from halitosis. I enjoyed a cup of coffee. Now I have to pop mints to impress a toddler? My daughter also…
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Moment of Zen
I sat outside a coffee shop this morning for 30 minutes waiting for a friend. It was just what the doctor ordered. The sun was shining and birds chirping. The coffee shop is nestled in a small plaza behind an ornate iron gate. There is a long brick walkway leading to the entrance with trees scattered throughout. I cannot remember the last time I enjoyed a quiet moment alone. It was heaven until…. two crackheads appeared. The woman was wearing cut off jean shorts and a paper thin white tank top. The man looked like he hadn’t bathed in months. I don’t know the extent of their conversation, but she…
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April Fool
Call me crazy, but I don’t like to be lied to. I don’t care if it is December or April. Unfortunately, it is the day when people make things up without facing any consequences because they shout, “April Fools!” Oh, you aren’t really dying? I didn’t win the lottery? There is no such thing as bacon mouthwash? Well, you got me a-hole. I think I have a pretty good sense of humor, but I won’t be pulling any pranks today. I can share an awesome deal I just scored on Shutterfly. They have a coupon for 101 free prints. So, you can knock out the person who played an April…
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Alba’s Advice
Another Hollywood actress has some advice on how you can be a better parent. (I just threw up in my mouth.) Jessica Alba has written a book called “The Honest Life: Living Naturally and True to You.” She says it is “super easy” to do the things in her book. The title alone makes me want to punch her. Among other things, Jessica recommends leaving plastics outside for a few days to off-gas the chemicals. Really? Clearly, she doesn’t have feral cats in her neighborhood. Plus, try telling your kid he or she can’t play with a toy until it airs out. Can you say meltdown? She also recommends making…
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Valentine’s Day Tree
It is February, but still looks like December in my house. My 3-year-old daughter won’t let me take down her Christmas tree. It’s just a small artificial tree tucked in the corner of the playroom. She pleaded with me to leave it up when I took the other decorations down. I figured she would forget about it a few days later. She did not. I’ve tried to get rid of it, sneaking around as the Grinch while she slept. The next day, she scanned the room like the Terminator demanding to know, “Where is my tree?” I told her we cannot leave it up all year. “Why not?” Well, because…
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Allow me to rephrase that
I feel dirty. I just called my father to ask if he would watch my daughter while I picked up my 5-year-old son from school. I knew he would say yes, but offered a bribe anyway. “If you come over I will give you a body wash,” I said. “What?” he sounded confused. “I will give you a body wash,” I repeated in a sweeter voice. He seemed disgusted, “You will give me a what?” I have a closet of toiletries from extreme couponing. We won’t have to buy deodorant ever again. Need floss? I got you covered. Earlier today my father asked, “Do you have anymore of that soap…
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Parent Rap
Speak the truth Mama…(and Papa) Watch this video on YouTube
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I wish I may, I wish I might..,,
I love how the mind of a 5-year-old works. Tonight my son demanded I explain step by step the proper way to wish on a star. I didn’t know there was a right and wrong way either. Apparently, some snotty kid at school told him his wishes weren’t coming true because he wasn’t following the “wish making rules.” Clearly that kid broke the rules too because he is still living in a trailer park. (Oh, no she didn’t!) I thought about telling my son wishing on a star won’t guarantee anything. I couldn’t burst his bubble. I only tear down people I don’t know. Besides, I am guilty of wishing…
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She is sick. Run!
My children are going through withdrawal. I didn’t take away potato chips or candy. Their video game consoles are still intact. Geez, I am not a monster. I took away their grandparents. It had to be done. My mother has the flu. Of course, I am concerned about her well being. This woman gave birth to me. She is my best friend. However, I will admit the first thing that came to mind was “I hope the kids don’t get it.” I can take a cough. There is medicine to treat a fever. I can’t deal with three kids projectile vomiting. God created the vomit virus so the world wasn’t…
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Dora the Gangster
My daughter has learned a lot from Dora the Explorer. She knows “Hola” means “Hello.” From time to time she butchers the Spanish language by making up words. “Bolanenero, Molameno” apparently means “Let’s Go!” Swiper taught her you can’t trust everyone and have to protect your stuff. She may be taking things a little too far. This morning she loaded up her backpack for our daily adventure: After we got past the damn troll (who does this guy think he is trying to stop an unsupervised young girl and his monkey from crossing bridges?) I discovered this in her backpack. I think she got the Nickelodeon show confused with…