Hunt for Gosling

Ryan Gosling is rumored to be in Skaneateles, NY. So, I had no choice….

Would we find him sunbathing? Dining at a local restaurant? Building a house for Allie? It didn’t matter. This is the first time I have taken a spontaneous road trip without kids in a decade.

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It’s times like this that you know who your true friends are. Nikki didn’t tell me I was crazy. Wait, yes she did, but she went anyway. It was worth the trip. A chance to see Ryan Gosling and take in this view:

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We spotted a few men who looked like Gosling and a lot of men who did not, if you get my drift. He wasn’t in the public restroom. I know, I was shocked, too. We stopped by a candy store to get a drink and snack. “Have you seen Ryan Gosling?” I asked the clerk. He was a little man with large muscles. “No, I don’t stalk him,” he snapped. Lay off the steroids Arnold. “We are,” I replied. Nikki and I burst into laughter. “I figured,” he said stone faced. “It’s just another day for me.” Okay Mister “It’s just another day for me working at a candy store.” Settle down there guy. I would argue you may be crazier than the two of us.

He is filing a restraining order as we speak.

The gate was wide open. Maybe he was expecting me?
We drove down the long, winding driveway, but no sign of Ryan Gosling.

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I don’t know how the paparazzi does it. This is exhausting. At this point, I don’t have the energy to stalk anyone.

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You don’t have to suffer alone. There is help. It may, however, cost a fortune if you live outside of the UK. A British company, Blinkbox, has set up a Ryan Gosling helpline called “The Gosline.” It comes after Ryan Gosling announced he is taking a break from acting. (wipes away tear) When you call it plays back some of Gosling’s famous movie lines. If you catch me dialing the number organize an intervention because I have hit rock bottom.

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Hey girl, your tweet was favorited

My heart skipped a beat. Could it be? Ryan Gosling favorited one of my tweets? What did I write on Twitter that inspired him? Was it my tweet about a spork? Did he enjoy a tweet about my bickering children?

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Snap out of it woman! Ryan Gosling doesn’t want to hear about potty training or your c-section scar. It wasn’t the real Ryan Gosling. It was the Ryan Gosling Fan Club. (The official club, not one of those poser clubs) I may be a lonely housewife pining for a celebrity who doesn’t know I exist, but I am not pathetic. I am not going to join a fan club at 37-years-old. I have only joined one fan club in my entire life and I got screwed. (Get your mind out of the gutter!) More than 20 years later, I am still waiting for my membership packet to the New Kids on the Block Fan Club. What’s up with that Joey Joe? I recently found a box in my parent’s attic that contained my NKOTB collection. It included a lunchbox, watch, t-shirt and doll. I gave the doll to my daughter. Princess Barbie wasted no time moving in on that hot piece of meat.

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No, I don’t own a Ryan Gosling doll, too. They don’t make them.

Dog days

My dog, Max, has been growing his hair out for a few months. He didn’t have a choice after Sweeney Todd (aka my husband) gave him a haircut. The poor dog looked like he had been butchered. He had bald spots on his back, but overgrown hairs on his paws. He finally looks like himself again: an Ewok.

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My kids love this dog. They don’t have to walk, feed or bathe him as much as I do. Nor do they have to vacuum daily or pull yarn out of its ass. (TMI?) Is my dog secretly enrolled in a knitting class? I don’t have yarn lying around the house. Is someone smuggling it in for him to eat? I have considered taking up the hobby of knitting. They say it is relaxing. Who is they? I have no idea. I do know Ryan Gosling knits. GQ told me so and everyone knows what’s in that magazine is gospel. Could Ryan be anymore perfect? Not only could I snuggle on his abs, but I can do it while wearing a lopsided hat that he made.

Hey girl

I had a date tonight.

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No, you don’t need to adjust your screen. It is true, Ryan and I spent the evening together. Unfortunately, his friends Sean & Josh kept getting in the way. I’m kidding. I am not a psycho stalker, but I did catch the latest Ryan Gosling movie with my dear friend. You heard that right sister, I actually got to see an adult film in a movie theater. Well, not that kind of film, but rather, a movie without cartoon characters. In my opinion, Gangster Squad didn’t have enough nudity. How are you going to hire Ryan Gosling to star in a film and not once have him take his shirt off. I don’t care if he is eating toast or shooting people we need to see his abs. Gangster Squad didn’t get great reviews. It was a tad violent (I had to cover my eyes in the opening scene) and predictable, but does it matter when you get to look at this for 113 minutes: (Emma Stone is one lucky bitch.)

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Meggings

Just when my eyes stopped burning from the sight of men in skinny jeans along comes Meggings.   Leggings for Men……

I am speechless. Style experts say this fashion trend is going to take off in 2013.  Translation: get ready to see some testicle hugging pants on men with no business wearing them. 

 

Justin Bieber wore them at the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show.  Well, then that makes it okay?  Justin Bieber is about as manly as, well, Justin Bieber.  

I read an article that broke down the proper shirt to wear with Meggings.  One expert recommends a crisp white button down long enough to cover your junk.  Basically, they want you to dress like George Michael pre- sex in a bathroom, WHAM days.   I dare you to wear that for a job interview in the Midwest. The thought of suburban Dads wearing Meggings to parent/teacher conferences makes me laugh out loud.  I can’t believe what I am about to say, but I don’t even think (gulp) Ryan Gosling would look good in Meggings.  Oh, who the hell am I kidding?  He would look good in anything. 

 

Hey girl, heeeey!

A friend of mine texted today, “Are you okay? You haven’t been blogging.” Honestly, I am exhausted. I realize my laziness left all three of my fans without mindless nonsense to read. I’m sorry to disappoint. As I mentioned with my less than subtle YouTube post, I was in a wedding this weekend.

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I didn’t have permission from the groomsmen to post his picture. So, I had to improvise. I think I look good with Bobblehead Ryan. Hey girl, I will walk you down the aisle.

After two late nights consuming alcohol I felt like I had been hit my a train. If you can’t tell by the crows feet on my face I am not in my twenties anymore. I wasn’t drunk. Then again, I am not sure I would have chosen to air guitar on the dance floor if I were sober. Another wedding guest teased my husband, “And that is why your Congressional run was unsuccessful.” He may be right. Tough. This is me.

It was a wonderful weekend spent with my dearest friends. Our crew has been together for almost ten years. We may no longer live in the same city or get to see one another as often as we’d like. Still, when we reunite it is like we spoke yesterday. My 12-year-old is at the age where he thinks he and his friends will grow old together. I thought the same thing in 7th grade. God has a way of helping us weed out people who suck. Then, Mark Zuckerberg forces them back into your life. I am blessed to have these women as friends.

Hey girl, let’s color!

Mickey Mouse, Dora and Spiderman can take a hike. This is the only character I want to color. An artist has created a Ryan Gosling inspired coloring book. It only costs about $12, features Ryan with his dog and scenes from movies. I hate to admit there could be a few problems with this book. I would get really pissed if my kids scribbled all over his beautiful face. Why the hell can’t they grasp the concept of staying in the lines? It could also result in an awkward mother/son moment. “Mom, why are you sweating?”

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