Here are a few of my favorite things on the world wide web :   ELEVATOR PRANK: I got on an elevator recently and was startled when a man standing in the corner said, “Good morning.”  I’m pretty sure that breaks elevator etiquette rules.  You are supposed to avoid eye contact, clutch your bag and silently count each floor as the elevator rises.  I almost busted out some ‘wax on, wax off’ moves when another guy complimented my outfit.  “That’s a great color combination.” I said, “Thank you, ” but was thinking  I will claw your eyes out,  freak. I would go bananas if this happened to me on an…

I am really disappointed in my children’s Trick or Treating skills. We are only a few days out and the good stuff is already gone. Their Halloween candy isn’t going to last very long. Clearly, they don’t care that Mommy needs chocolate once a month. My oldest son brought home more loot than his brother and sister. My younger children threw in the towel early on. The 4-year-old lasted one street. My 6-year-old knocked on a few more doors before he started whining. What is wrong with this generation? When I was a kid my Mom had to drag me home. Our bags were overflowing. I thought about rallying the…

My glass is always half empty. It’s a lousy way to live. I need to start focusing on the positives. There are so many in my life. Perhaps, that will be my New Year’s Resolution since the ‘I’m going to do a million sit ups to lose this kangaroo pouch’ resolution didn’t pan out. Don’t worry, I will still point out the negatives. Life isn’t all rainbows and unicorns. Did I tell you my daughter recently became obsessed with unicorns? I got her a small stuffed unicorn for her birthday. She demanded everyone’s attention in the room and said, “I am going to name my new stuffed unicorn, “Unicorn.” (Cue…

My daughter’s birthday party was a success. It wasn’t an elaborate soirée. In fact, I planned most of it the night before. I refuse to be bullied by Pinterest. My daughter’s favorite gift came from the one guest with no children of her own. My BFF Nikki gave my 4-year-old a bag of princess make up. The little girls at the party squealed with excitement. Nikki created a monster. My daughter is obsessed with this gift. We were late to school Monday & Tuesday because she refused to leave until she painted her nails. I couldn’t paint them. She had to do it which meant her fingers were covered in…

Have you ever read “Goodnight Moon” and thought, How the hell is this book considered a classic? I don’t mean any disrespect to Margaret Wise, but really? Really? First of all, I would not have chosen that particular shade of green paint. The author basically lists everything in the room. there was a telephone and a red balloon. and a picture of – a cow jumping over the moon. There were also bears on chairs, a mouse and a bowl full of mush. If you took care of the dirty dishes you could eliminate the rodent problem. I’m surprised they don’t have ants, too. Next, the narrator wishes everything good…

It seems like just yesterday I was 9-months pregnant with my daughter, hemorrhaging in the delivery room. My husband ran frantically from one side of the bed to the other searching for the call button. “That is for popsicles!” I calmly explained. “Please get the nurse!” Okay, my memory may be a little off. I may have been shouting something along the lines of, “I don’t want to die” over and over and over. My little diva is celebrating her 4th birthday today. I still have a few more years before I can give the “I almost died giving birth to you” speech when she misbehaves. It will definitely come…

I joined a book club. I haven’t read a book in years.  I don’t have time to read and watch reality TV on Bravo. Literacy vs. Real Housewives of New York? I done choose to watch me some trash television on that there boob tube. In all seriousness, I really would like to read more. However, after a very, very, very long day (which is everyday) taking care of three children a book is like Ambien. I pass out after one paragraph. I joined the book club to get out of the house alone. You know damn well I can’t even go to the bathroom without a child by my…

There are five words you never say when there is more than one child in a room. However, my husband does it on a regular basis. It happened recently when he was measuring our children’s height on the door frame. We do it every year. It is fun to see how much they’ve grown. The kids get a kick out of it, too. My husband grabbed a pen and shouted, “Who wants to go first?” I dropped my head, held my breath and waited for the bell to ring. It took a few seconds for the fight to begin. “Me!” “Me!” “She always goes first!” “It’s my turn!” They pushed,…