Hello, Newman

It’s quite appropriate that I would find this when cleaning out my son’s backpack this morning.


If you haven’t been following along the crossing guard at my son’s school hates me. Doesn’t the Starbucks barista hate her too? Yes, there are one or two or twenty people who dislike me. Whatever. It’s not my fault.

The crossing guard is becoming my “Newman.”


We greet one another with a smile and suspicious glare. Our encounters have stretched beyond her crosswalk territory. On Friday I decided to take the kids for ice cream after school to celebrate their first week. I also wanted a coffee, but that wasn’t why we went. I am just a good Mom. Yeah, that’s right. Well, apparently the workers at McDonald’s weren’t expecting customers because it took For-ev-a! They want higher wages for what? You can’t even hold the damn pickles. If I worked there I would be complaining about the uniform pants. Holy hell, that is the most unflattering article of clothing I have ever seen. The polyester blend material squishes even the smallest rear end into a pile of lumpy mashed potatoes.

By the time I made it through the line it was time to pick my oldest son up from school. I decided to turn off Main Street to avoid the traffic jam in this thriving metropolis. I sat patiently in the turning lane hoping a car would stop short of the light and allow me to pass through. Nope. So, I decided to inch up because the only place for the next car to go would be blocking the road.

I made a little sketch to illustrate the position of the cars. Clearly, my son does not get his artistic abilities from his mother.


Note how happy I am in the picture. I am a nice person, damn it. Well, the person in the car about to block the intersection started screaming and flailing her arms. I start talking back (as if she can hear me), “There is nowhere for you to go. You can’t just let me through? You are going to block the intersection.” Then, my eyes zoom in on the driver. It was none other than “Newman.” Yep, the crossing guard. We stared each other down before I finally passed through. I am going to jaywalk today to avoid anymore drama.

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