I nearly died getting my daughter a doll house.   I believe that anytime you buy something on Craig’s List you are risking life and limb.  The seller could be a wacko who eats fingernail clippings or human flesh.  I had to ignore the risk.  I was on a mission to get my 2-year-old daughter the doll house in my son’s preschool classroom.  She loves this damn thing.  It has three floors,  two terraces and enough space for two plastic families to live.   It’s circa 2002 and clearly not available in stores.  A few days ago I saw a listing for the exact house with furniture and dolls for 60 bucks. …

After having an incredibly stressful day at work I got stuck driving behind the guy who felt it necessary to pimp his $500 ride. He had the metal chain that framed his license plate and a blue light glowing underneath the frame. This screams: “I want you to think I’m a bad ass, but I DVR The Golden Girls on TVLand.” A car is meant to get you from point A to point B. Yes, this is the same girl who once owned a Dodge Daytona. I was a waitress in high school and saved nearly 2 grand. (I served a lot of toast to old people to make that…

I know the Stepford Wives out there are shaking their heads. “I hope she doesn’t use that language around her kids.” “She is so negative.” Yawn. I love my kids. I live for my family. However, if everyday on earth was perfect God wouldn’t have created Zoloft.

I would have posted a Pulitzer prize winning piece earlier in the day, but my laptop sucks. The battery lasts as long as my first boyfriend. (I’m kidding Mom) My 12-year-old son’s computer is nicer than mine. My 5-year-old has a newer Ipod. (Mine has a dial) My 2-year-old has more expensive clothes. I sacrifice so they don’t have to. Actually, I thought about making all three work for Kathie Lee Gifford, but those damn child labor laws are a bitch. (I’m kidding. Don’t email me.) My kids don’t even know how to spell the word work. I asked my oldest to make his bed and he looked at me…

When I met my husband he was wearing outdated acid wash jeans, ripped tennis sneakers (We were at a bar. He had no intention of playing a match.) and a black trench coat. What was I thinking? Hell yes! I want to spend the rest of my life with the only guy in here that looks homeless. (This was before therapy.) If it wasn’t for me Joan Rivers would have his head. I admit that once, after a heated argument, I allowed him to go in public looking like a clown. I refused to pick out his clothes for a meeting. (Yes, it’s that bad.) He came downstairs wearing a…

This is a neat idea. Especially since every damn key looks the same. I just wonder if it will chip off in a week like every manicure I get. Unless you have a maid how the hell do you keep your hands out of dish soap, bathroom cleaners, etc.

I love when single, childless 20-somethings ask, “What are you doing to celebrate your birthday?” I am going to have a pajama party! Actually, I’m just going to Walmart later. First, I am going to try and convince my 4-year-old to get ready for pre school. Then, I’m going to make breakfast and start laundry. Before mornings end my 2-year-old will have a temper tantrum because she wants to eat cake for breakfast, lunch and dinner. If I am lucky I will get to walk the dog in the snow (In April!) before he takes a crap on my kitchen floor. At some point my husband will realize the date…

How was your weekend? Well, let me see. Yesterday I took my middle child to the doctor after he complained that his ears hurt. Sure enough he has a double ear infection. Poor guy. I guess swimming in a public pool where toddlers urinate on a whim isn’t good for your health after all. I decided after the doctor’s visit I would take him to get donuts. I was more excited than he was.  I am addicted to carbohydrates. The drive through line wasn’t too long. It only took a few minutes from the time we placed our order until we got to the pick up window. “Good morning!” the…