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Extreme makeover
Since I cannot afford Gwenyth Paltrow’s doctors I decided to give the blog a makeover. Come on now, you didn’t think that is natural? I don’t know what face cream she is using, but she isn’t buying it at CVS. I am approaching 40 and it shows. My 3-year-old daughter is the only person I know who has skin as smooth as Gwenny’s. In case you live under a rock the Iron Man 3 actress was crowned People Magazine’s most beautiful woman. No, not one of the, she is just the. It begs the question: What the hell gives magazine editors the authority to define beauty? Stick to covering stories…
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I workout
My daughter fell asleep 30 minutes ago, but I am still watching cartoons on Disney Junior. Why? The remote fell on the floor and I can’t pick it up. Seriously, I CANNOT pick it up. Every muscle on my body aches. I did a workout routine today that involved squats and something called a “Burpee.” The only “Burpee” I was aware of involved a baby and spit up. I would rather walk around smelling like puke. I wasn’t taking a class at the gym. I don’t have the time or attire to workout in public. My exercise gear includes a t-shirt my husband got for free for buying a 12…
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Another Giveaway!
We at CynicalMother.com are in the giving mood. Do you want to win these super cute cobalt blue bracelets? I am not going to front. (I think that means pretend) This is fashion jewelry. Translation: Cash 4 Gold isn’t giving you squat for them. Honey, Oprah don’t live here. We are low budget. That could change if you would tell your damn friends to read the blog. Until then this is our prize. It’s easy to enter. Just subscribe to the blog right over there on the left hand side. Yep. Enter your email and get notified when we post something new. How great is that? Do it!
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Home Alone
I try to tell my children a million times a day how much I love them. (When I am not screaming at them to stop screaming.) Seriously, I want it to be the first thing they hear in the morning and the last thing I say before they fall asleep. Well, last night, my 5-year-old wasn’t having it. “Get away from me,” he cried when I went in for a hug. “I love you,” I said, trying to steal a kiss. He ducked under the covers. This kid was pissed, but I didn’t do anything wrong. He was the one who, moments earlier, knocked his sister to the ground. She…
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Question #15
I don’t watch much news on TV since leaving the business. It is partially due to the fact that my television is locked on cartoons. My days are spent with pigs that grunt mid sentence, rabbits who have no adult supervision and a fox struggling with Kleptomania. I DVR most of the shows I enjoy. I hope to watch them when my children go off to college. I read about current events on my phone. I actually prefer it to watching an hour long broadcast. It allows me to skip the depressing stories and scroll to headlines like this: Former Shoe Salesman Arrested For Trying to Cut Off Ex-Girlfriend’s Toe…
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Egg hunt
My kids scored big at today’s Easter egg hunt. They walked away with a dozen or so plastic eggs. I have been to events in the past where it was utter chaos. Toddlers were plowed down by 10-year-old boys. Kindergartners left with empty baskets. The first time I took my son I criticized parents for acting like it was a competition. I had no idea what was at stake. If you don’t have a strategy your child will leave in tears. Today’s hunt was well planned. Organizers had designated areas for each age group. I didn’t have to worry that my 3-year-old would get crushed by a size 9 sneaker.…
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Holy Charlie Brown!
I thought I would share my recent discovery. You’ve probably heard about people who have seen Jesus on inanimate objects. For example, there was a woman who claims Christ appeared on her toast. There is no denying what that looks like! I haven’t had any sightings of biblical proportions. I have seen Mick Jagger on bologna in the deli case. (True story. Check my archives.) Recently, while making brownies, I spotted this: I opened the frosting and saw none other than Charlie Brown. What message is Dunkin Hines trying to send me? I thought about listing the container for sale on EBay. Then, I remembered brownies taste even better with…
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Monthly Rage
One week, every month, I want to rip my husband’s face off. (Hey grammar/punctuation police, don’t bother emailing me. I am an adult and will use as many damn commas as I want.) Now, don’t get me wrong, there are other times when my spouse annoys me, but this week I make Brandi Glanville seem pleasant. It just so happens in this cycle, PMS will rear its ugly head during Spring Break. No, that doesn’t mean I will be popping Midol before throwing my bikini top on a stage in Daytona Beach. It means my children are home from school for 10 straight days. I like having my kids home,…
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Easter party
When your kids are young their faces light up the moment you enter a room. Inevitably, when they become teenagers, that smile disappears and is replaced with an eye roll. My 5-year-old still adores me. (Most of the time) He was thrilled when I visited the school today for an Easter party. (It may have been because I was carrying boxes of donuts, but I will pretend he was cheering was for me.) I don’t want politically correct lunatics to get their panties in a bunch. The kids didn’t complete dot to dot Jesus worksheets during the classroom Easter party. They played games, enjoyed a snack and went on an…
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LMFAO
Wow! This kid can sing. He takes an extremely irritating song and makes it enjoyable. Now, some of the lyrics are even more ridiculous in this soulful rendition of “I’m Sexy and I Know It.” (i.e. “I’m in the Speedo trying to tan my cheeks.”) Still, it works for me. LMFAO! Watch this video on YouTube