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Road Rage
I am guilty of road rage. Well, it’s actually watered down road rage. I am not a complete lunatic. I haven’t crashed my car into another vehicle or assaulted anyone. I bite my tongue most of the time when my children are in the car. However, when you are going through perimenopause some things are out of your control. Most recently, I yelled at a driver who didn’t turn right when the light was red. “It’s right on RED,” I shouted through my windshield. He didn’t hear me because we were separated by glass and metal. My kids were watching Tangled Ever After for the millionth time at an…
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It’s mine, all mine!
My daughter has Spidey senses. She can smell food long after it has entered my digestive system. “Mom, what are you eating?” Nothing. Well, not nothing, but it’s mine. Kids take everything from you. I do have my very own candy stash hidden in my house. Caramels, butterscotch discs and root beer barrels are a few of my favorites. (I am going to be very popular at the nursing home.) I know if I share with my daughter my son will want one. Then, my husband will find them. Today I tried to sneak a few Tootsie Rolls before taking my daughter to the park. We have a play set…
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Deuce
I was told this morning that I looked “tiny.” I am 5’7 1/2 and the only tiny thing on my body is my pinky toe. Even it is larger than average and bends slightly inward. I have been working out, but don’t feel thinner. I definitely feel older, having to ice my achy body after every cardio routine. I am not trying to be a size 2. I run, lift, lunge, etc. to maintain my sanity. Now that I am home more with the kids I need all the natural endorphins I can get. The next person who says “It must be nice that you don’t have to work” is…
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Are you threatening me?
I remember making empty threats when I was a kid. “I am going to runaway and you will never see me again!” I was just mad because I didn’t get my way. Perhaps my Mom wouldn’t buy me the neon orange jelly shoes I wanted. Maybe she told me to turn down my cassette player because I was blasting Janet Jackson’s “Control.” Regardless, I had no intention of living under a bridge. Where would I store my scrunchies and Aqua Net? My 3-year-old daughter is already a feisty one. She recently informed me she was looking for a new Mom. I asked her if she was using Craig’s List or…
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Ryan Gosling won’t eat his cereal
This may be the greatest Ryan Gosling YouTube video thus far. Eye candy + funny = Watch this video on YouTube
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What makes a good mother
I am a good mother, damn it. No, I don’t always cook homemade meals. My 6-year-old wants to work at McDonalds when he grows up so he can see me. My kids know all the important curse words and can spell them. (but wouldn’t dare say one.) Sometimes I raise my voice and may even scream. I have forgotten appointments and field trips. My 3-year-old daughter knows the words to songs by rap artists and rock stars. I occasionally allow my kids to take a sip or two of my coffee. I don’t own a glue gun and think hodge podge is an appetizer at TGI Fridays. So, what makes…
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Bullies
I almost made the news this morning and that’s not a good thing. When I dropped my son off to school I noticed three boys were teasing other students. They would follow each kid who walked by their group. I don’t know what they were saying, but it wasn’t “Good morning.” One boy tried to lose them by turning around, but the bullies were relentless. They were not only mocking kids, but intimidating them. Little bastards! I reached for the door handle and then froze. I had an outfit on that would make Rachel Zoe vomit more than her breakfast, lunch am dinner. I was wearing gym shorts, a tank…
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Egg on his face
…and today’s award for Worst Mother Ever goes to the woman in this video. After she finished her second pack of cigarettes Mom decided to pull a prank on her son. She tricks the poor kid into cracking an egg over his head. What a waste. She could have made a small omelette to feed her malnourished children. I think Sally Struthers needs to pay Mommy Dearest a visit. Don’t get me wrong, I mock my kids like all good mothers do. However, this video makes me sad. What’s the point? Your video wasn’t even shot properly. For the love of God, shoot with the phone camera horizontal! I have…
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Hair did
I don’t think I have been on time for an appointment in 13 years. That is why I take my children to a chain hair salon. Well, that and I am cheap. You have to be careful though. These joints hire the girl who burned the hairs off the mannequin in cosmetology school. My kids get their hair did about every three and a half weeks. Basically, when they start to look like Justin Beiber (back when he owned a belt) it’s time for a cut. The chain salon I frequent won’t take appointments. However, you can call ahead and put your name on a list. It’s basically like getting…
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Hall monitor
Where the hell is Spider-Man when you need him? Not even an hour after posting about the movie filming in Rochester, NY I needed a superhero. I was driving downtown when I pulled over to take a phone call. It’s illegal to talk without a hands free device. I confess, I wasn’t always a law abiding citizen. I got into serious trouble when I was 19-years-old. My friends and I decided to alter our driver’s licenses in order to get into a local bar. At this joint, Bartenders served watered down cocktails. College guys with IQ’s lower than Ryan Locte crowded the bar. That was fun to us? By the…