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Don’t Be Tardy For the Party
I partied today like I was in college. There was drinking, vomiting and someone got hurt. The only difference is I was at a party for my 5-year-old. I had the best of intentions. The problem is I organized this shindig a few days ago. Some Moms, those who wear candy corn sweatshirts at Halloween, book parties a year in advance. My kindergartener wanted to go to an indoor trampoline park. We invited a few friends, cousins and then I called to book tickets. Now, the problem with doing things in that order is the party rooms were booked. Hakuna Matata. We would just snag a few tables to sit…
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Walk of Shame
On occasion I will run errands while wearing pajamas. I know, I am a bit of a risk taker, a rebel. My sleepwear is nothing like the attire in a Victoria’s Secret catalog. I prefer to look like I am playing right field in a softball game. Yoga pants and an oversized sweatshirt are better than birth control pills. I only stop at places with drive thru windows. I would never get out of my car while wearing pajamas. Well, that is, until this morning. I planned to make a quick trip to the bank. I had my deposit slip signed and card ready. I wore sunglasses hoping to avoid…
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Laughter is the best medicine
My children argued from morning until night. They fought over a chair even though there were four identical ones at the table. They argued over the couch. “That is my spot.” My daughter is the Christopher Columbus of sectional furniture. She apparently discovered a particular cushion and makes everybody move. At one point, I was screaming at them to stop screaming. Of course, it was that moment when the doorbell rang. I seriously thought about making everyone hide. Who was at the door and how much did they hear? Then, I realized it was just my parents. There was no need to be embarrassed. They know my house is crazy.…
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Urine Controlled Video Games?
You have got to be kidding me? I will never get my boys out of the bathroom if this becomes a trend. A minor league baseball team in Pennsylvania is going to offer urine-controlled video games. No, I am not making this up. The system is designed by a British company called Captive Media. The custom urinals feature a “pee controlled” video screen. (R Kelly must be so happy!) SMH! (I just learned what SMH means. I had to google it after I received a text message.) For example, in a snowboarding game, to turn left you urinate to the left, to turn right you pee right. My children have a…
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Spring Essentials
Grab your puke bucket, (if you’re not a parent you may not have one. In that case, get to the nearest bathroom) Gwyneth Paltrow has a new blog post. Now, I like her as an actress. However, she is kind of out of touch with the average Joe. She released her list of “Spring Essentials.” Funny thing is the 3 pack of cotton Hanes Hipster panties are not on the list. Look, I am over the whole look at my sexy, uncomfortable underwear. At my age, I am anti-wedgie. I thought I was high-maintenance for requiring extra dressing when I order a salad. (Yeah, I splurge and pay the extra…
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2-year-old quotes presidents
This is fantastic! My favorite is the Bill Clinton quote. Watch this video on YouTube
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Jump around, jump up, jump up and get down
My kids have a three day weekend. So, we went to an indoor trampoline park on Friday afternoon. There is a 50/50 chance you will get a one way ticket to the emergency room at this place. We managed to leave in one piece. I was worried my younger two would be afraid. We have a trampoline at home, but this is a little intimidating to me. It is a giant warehouse of trampolines. There are basketball hoops on trampolines and an entire area for trampoline dodgeball. The latter may not be such a good idea for a 5-year-old. (Hindsight is a bitch) To the kid who threw a ball…
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Hold the drink
You may want to think twice about getting that fountain pop. New research finds the ice used at fast food restaurants may be dirtier than toilet water. The “scientist” was a middle school student in Florida. Yeah, it took a 12-year-old girl to figure that out. Jasmine Roberts collected ice from five restaurants in Florida. She also took samples of toilet water from the same restaurants. My kids could never complete this project. I scream “DON’T TOUCH ANYTHING!” a dozen times when we step foot in a public rest room. They walk in and out like surgeons, with their hands raised in the air. Jasmine took the samples to the…
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Jesse
I met a crazy woman this weekend. I am probably 50 mg of Zoloft away from being just like her. She was sitting in the hair salon waiting to have her roots colored. She greeted each and every person who walked through the door. She talked non-stop. Sometimes she spoke to other patrons. She would also announce her observations to the room. “The prices sure have gone up.” She appeared to be in her late 50’s. A button on her grey cardigan was dangling by a thread. A brightly colored knit hat rested on top of her head. A few people seemed alarmed by her behavior. A guy in his…
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Selfie
I have been scouring the internet for a distraction. I need something, anything to drown out the sound of my aching heart. I came across a photograph posted by TMZ of a 900k car on a flatbed truck. Apparently, the custom made vehicle belongs to William from the pop group Black Eyed Peas. William, Will.i.am, tomato, tomatoe, whatever his name the story aggravated me. I suppose it didn’t help that an hour earlier I was returning soda cans. Are those machines designed to spit warm pop in your face? (I grew up calling anything with carbonation “Pop.” Over the years I got all fancy and started using the word soda.)…