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Mom Takes Children’s Songs Literally
I was in desperate need of something to smile about. This article actually made me laugh. “Mom Takes Children’s Songs Literally” comes to us from Mcsweeneys.net Kudos to Sarah Schmelling. Here are a few of my favorites: – – – – What do you mean, she’ll get here “when she comes”? That’s not a time. How can I plan around that? – – And we’ll all have chicken and dumplings? All of us? Even you three vegetarians? Who’s going to be cooking these dumplings anyway? Remember that time I made pierogies? No, I bet you don’t remember that. – – Okay, someone’s in the kitchen with Dinah. What is…
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My goal is to raise my daughter to be an independent woman. I want her to have confidence, not to dance like a stripper at the Superbowl. I would also frown on her appearing on The Bachelor. Talk about girls with zero self esteem. You are fighting over a guy who makes a polygamist look monogamous. That dude is fooling around with every contestant in the house. Roses are $9.99 a dozen at Walmart. You don’t have to sell your soul for a flower. The lady on my daughter’s toy phone is just as pathetic as the bachelorettes. Watch this video on YouTube The first message seems harmless. She is…
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Like, Totally
My 3-year-old daughter still loves to snuggle. She climbed on my lap this afternoon and rested her head on my chest. There is no greater joy. I hope these moments won’t fade from my memory, but there is a good chance it all will. I can barely remember my oldest as a baby. I know every word to a Milli Vanilli song, but without looking at pictures I can’t recall milestones in my child’s life. I can’t remember much of anything these days. It’s called “Mom Brain.” Millions suffer from it. There is no known cure, but is likely caused by years of sleep deprivation and worry. Last week, I…
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RIP Old Faithful
I am in mourning. My favorite jeans are near the end. They have been with me for years. They didn’t even give out when I crammed my post baby ass inside. It is difficult to find a pair of jeans that are comfortable and flattering. I think I would rather watch Keeping Up With the Kardashians than shop for jeans. (and that is hell) Nowadays young girls wear pants that barely cover their va-jay-jays. I can’t do low-rise. A girl like myself can’t wear skinny jeans either. I tried on a pair at the Gap and thought I would spend the rest of my life in that dressing room. I…
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Halloween Party
We spent the day at a Halloween event in our community. My kids had a blast. There was a bounce house, an obstacle course, zip line, food, etc. A few kids dressed up, but mine did not. My 12-year-old is too cool and my 5-year-old follows his lead. Of course there was the 40-something adult decked out in a horrifying zombie costume. I’m guessing he lives in his mom’s basement. I never really liked Halloween until I had kids. I always felt like an asshole in costume. Some women use the holiday as an excuse to dress like a whore. When was the last time you saw a female police…
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A Cross Guard
The crossing guard at my son’s school takes her job seriously. I appreciate her dedication to helping America’s youth cross the street. However, now she has taken it upon herself to be a traffic cop. This morning, I pulled to the side of the street in a designated parking spot in order to walk my son to the door. He is 5-years-old. My 12-year-old wants me to park a mile away while wearing a disguise. Apparently, the crossing guard has a new rule. I didn’t get the automated message. Remember the days when schools sent home letters? Now, I have to listen to a computerized voice mispronouncing our last name.…
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Oh, You Fancy Huh?
It isn’t even 10 o’clock in the morning and my daughter is wearing heels. It’s a big day for our family. She is going up against Honey Boo Boo in a pageant this afternoon. We are hoping the slutty Marilyn Monroe dress is a hit with the judges. I’m kidding. She got a new Cinderella outfit for her birthday. She walks better than I do in heels and they are made of plastic. I have always preferred flats. I am also 5’8 1/2 inches tall. As a kid, I hated it. I had a serious growth spurt the summer before 7th grade and have the stretch marks to prove it.…
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Bad Mommy
There are those proud Mommy moments and then there was last night. The day was winding down. My younger children were surprisingly cheerful as I put them in the bathtub. They prefer my bathroom because I have a large, deep tub. The last time I took a bath was in 2007 when I was pregnant with my middle child. No, I haven’t spent the past 5 years following The Grateful Dead. I have three kids and only have time for a quick shower. I washed their hair and announced, “You have 10 minutes to play.” Then, I stepped feet away into my bedroom. I know what you are thinking: You are…
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5 Second Rule
I just read about a new study that debunks “The 5 Second Rule!” Researchers at San Diego State University found that bacteria can actually attach itself to food in seconds. I know y’all are probably wicked smart, but my reaction to your findings: No s***! Parents don’t actually believe it to be a legitimate rule. It just makes our lives easier. I can’t boil a pacifier every time it falls to the ground. Sure, first time parents are overly cautious. By kid #3 you don’t bat an eyelash if they eat dirt. No, I’m not going to allow my child to eat food off the floor of a gas station…
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*%#^*#
My son came home from school knowing how to swear in Japanese. Well, at least that is what he thought. He likes to give me a daily report on who behaved and who lost it. This girl scribbled, this boy didn’t raise his hand, another kid ran in the hallway, etc. Remember, this is the same kid who called someone an idiot in the cafeteria. He has since redeemed himself. In fact, the lunch lady rewarded my son’s good behavior with a free ice cream coupon. What, What! It is amazing what kids learn in school. Last year my son found out his classmate’s father was in jail. “The bad…