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Suzie
My 2-year-old daughter wants to go live with Suzie. She hasn’t called to reserve a UHaul yet. This was a rash decision, made out of anger. After a long day, which included a fun birthday party at the zoo, she was extremely tired. In situations like this I would normally say “screw bath time,” but, at one point tonight, she was in close proximity to Rhino shit. So, I peeled off her clothing and plopped her in the bathtub. She was kicking and screaming, “I don’t like you anymore. I’m going to live with Suzie.” It would be an impossible move since Suzie doesn’t exist. Suzie came into our lives…
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Bag lady
My 2-year-old daughter is either a Kleptomaniac or preparing for life as a bag lady. Either way it is getting out of control: She started by loading her bags with her favorite toys and books. It was cute. She would bring a purse wherever we went. She was mimicking me. However, I also have a random mint, coins and crumbs in my purse. Then, other items in our house began to disappear: picture frames, magnets, pencils and even the Bible some wacky guy gave my son outside the school. I need to throw away the Winona Rider and Lindsey Lohan movies. In the meantime, you have been warned. Lock up…
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Tooth Fairy
My son has a loose tooth. He is excited, but a little terrified at the same time. Can you blame him? The kid has grown accustomed to using all of his teeth to chew food. Now, five years later I inform him they are going to fall out. “What day will they fall out?” he wondered. As a parent I would like to have an answer for everything. If I don’t have an answer to a homework question I secretly Google it. If it can’t be answered on the internet I call my Mom. “I don’t know,” I said. “It will come out when it’s ready.” He knows what…
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My Baby
My daughter isn’t a baby anymore. At least that is what she tells me every morning. I guess she wants to make sure I haven’t forgotten while she slept. It is like being punched in the gut. While cradling a doll in one arm and a blanket in another she will say, “Guess what?” I know what’s coming, but I don’t want to hear it. For her, it’s exciting to grow up. It breaks my heart. After two miscarriages I am pretty sure this is my last baby. I guess my dreams of becoming the next Kate Gosselin are over. Do you think Bravo’s Real Housewives franchise wants a woman…
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Here Comes Christopher Walken
After all the hype I tried to watch “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo.” I’m not afraid to admit I love trash TV, but after five minutes of this reality show I couldn’t take anymore. It was painful. I could barely understand what they were saying. I am not hating on the Boo Boo Family. What? That is the little girl’s name? It’s not on the family crest? Anyway, the family from McIntyre, Georgia saw an opportunity to cash in and took it. Can you blame them? Maybe. This video is much funnier than the actual show. Christopher Walken, Colin Farrell and Sam Rockwell reenact scenes from the popular TLC…
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Falling
It took me an hour to rake this sorry looking pile of leaves: Our yard was bare so I had to steal leaves from the neighbors yard. My son was quick to point out. “Those aren’t yours.” I know, I am living on the edge. There may even be a warrant out for my arrest. I had to promise him that we would borrow a few and put them back. Yes, I actually had to return wilted, filthy leaves. Damn that kindergarten teacher for teaching morals and values. There wasn’t much to cushion their fall, but they had a blast. I am going to pull out this picture when it…
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Who is Ponyboy?
My son has an exam tomorrow in his ELA Course. Back in the day we just called it English. We also walked 20 miles to school, barefoot and in the snow. As I have mentioned his class is reading “The Outsiders.” Get this, he hasn’t even asked to cheat and watch the movie on DVD? Whose kid is this? Anyway, his quiz is on the characters. I had to give him a practice test. Here are just a few of the questions: 1.) Who is Two-Bit Matthews 2.) Who is Soda(pop)’s brother? 3.) What gang does Dally belong to? Growing up I was that smart ass kid who would ask,…
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Name That Tune
You haven’t lived until you’ve listened to the techno mix of Baa, Baa, Black Sheep. My daughter has a toy with 27 different versions of traditional kids songs. The Gangham Style mix of Old McDonald Had a Farm will blow your mind. (or drive you to drink) Honestly, it’s a great toy to work on the alphabet and hand/eye coordination. It would have been perfect, but some a-hole without kids decided it needed a setting with computerized music. I recognize just about every song. I would have kicked ass on “Name That Tune.” (Come on though, no way those people could name a tune in one note. One note? I’m…
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Candy Girl
I have hit a new low. In an attempt to drop a few more pounds I cleared out my candy stash. I am the bridesmaid is another wedding. It is a month away and my dress may burst at the seam during the electric slide. Some women fantasize about Channing Tatum. Me? I imagine a romantic evening at the chocolate factory with Mr. Wonka. The perfect day would include a slice of carrot cake for breakfast, banana cream pie for lunch and a Hersey’s chocolate bar for dinner. I am addicted to sweets. I always have candy in my pantry, desk drawer or purse. Sometimes all three are stocked. Well,…
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Apple Crisp
What I am about share with you will change your life and your waistline. Look, I don’t pretend to be a cook. Up until a few months ago I considered Hot Pockets fine cuisine. My sister-in-law gave this apple crisp recipe to me and it’s worth sharing. Not only does it taste amazing, baking it makes your entire house smell incredible. I made it today: Apple Crisp: Butter a pie dish or baking pan. Slice 6 apples very thin. In a bowl mix 1 tsp cinnamon, 1/3 cup sugar and sprinkle of nutmeg. Sprinkle over sliced apples. Crumb topping: (I double this) 1 cup sugar, 3/4 cup flour and 1/2…