Insane Christmas Wish List

It happens every single year.  My kids decide to edit their list to Santa weeks out from the big day.  Do you think Santa can just whip up a PS4?  No, that s*** is complicated and sold out everywhere and someone should have planned ahead.  Here is something that, as an adult, boggles my mind.  The fact that kids buy the story that Santa makes the toys.  If Target has the action figure or doll  you want then why the hell would Santa have to make them? Santa isn’t using a hammer.  He is swiping the hell out of his Red Card.  My 6-year-old told St. Nick at a recent “Story-time With Santa” event at our local library that he wants a Monster Truck.  He has never played with a truck in his life.  Ever.  Was he so nervous that he blurted out the first thing that popped in his head?  Santa read one book at that event and let’s just say he needs to either slow down or practice his sight words.

My kids aren’t entirely to blame for causing holiday stress.  There are those random people who will ask, “Have you written your letter to Santa yet?”  Hey a**hole, he did that months ago.  In fact, I have nearly everything on his list.  Why would you encourage him to want even more stuff after Black Friday.  Are you Satan?  I was nearly trampled to death to get this Lego. He is going to play with it, damn it.   Mama would have to whore herself out to buy anything else.

Then, there are the commercials.  The G*D damn commercials.   My kids want everything they see on television.  “Mom, look, look, look, look, look, look, I want that.   Hurry.  look, look, look, look, look.  I want that for Christmas.”  I can’t get them to pay attention when putting on their shoes, but they stop dead in their tracks when a commercial about a stretchy stuffed animal comes on.  Have you ever wondered why kids lift up the wrong foot when you’re helping them put on socks or shoes?  Every. Damn. Time.  “No, other foot. The other foot!”   Are they messing with us?

A friend of mine shared this post about a kid’s insane Christmas wish list.  I laughed so hard I cried.   The author is Drew Magary who writes for Deadspin and is a correspondent for GQ.   If my uterus wasn’t in retirement I would totally have his baby.  He is hysterical.

Click the link here to read his post:  DEADSPIN.COM

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