I have always hated poetry….. until now. A MOTHER’S PRAYER FOR HER DAUGHTER BY: TINA FEY   “First, Lord: No tattoos. May neither Chinese symbol for truth nor Winnie-the-Pooh holding the FSU logo stain her tender haunches. May she be Beautiful but not Damaged, for it’s the Damage that draws the creepy soccer coach’s eye, not the Beauty. When the Crystal Meth is offered, may she remember the parents who cut her grapes in half And stick with Beer. Guide her, protect her when crossing the street, stepping onto boats, swimming in the ocean, swimming in pools, walking near pools, standing on the subway platform, crossing 86th Street, stepping off…

Fathers are lucky bastards. They don’t have to suffer through 9 months of pregnancy or a painful labor. They don’t get stretch marks or a kangaroo pouch that won’t go away with crunches. Yet, they get to enjoy the joy and beauty of being a parent. They don’t even have to put much thought into gifts. Retailers basically draw them a damn map. If they forget a holiday a simple stop for flowers and a mushy card will suffice. (or will it?) On Mother’s Day I got the same damn bouquet (bitter? Maybe.) that thousands of other women received. Wallymart anticipated a rush of men making the last minute dash…

There is a distinct possibility that I will cry during pre-school graduation. I know my son isn’t moving out. Hell, he still can’t wipe his own butt. It’s just the realization that my baby is growing up. My girlfriend is still having a difficult time accepting it and her son is 18. Actually today is his last day of high school and she sobbed as much as his first of kindergarten. She has a lot to be proud of. She raised an amazing young man, but gone are the days of watching him play football in zero degree weather, being his chauffeur and nagging about homework. It’s funny how we…

I love this idea! It seems like it could be an affordable solution to our cluttered toy room.

Got the phone call today. It was inevitable. My parents watch my kids on a weekly basis. (I know, I am one lucky bitch) My father was on the other end of the line. He was frustrated, agitated, overwhelmed… there really aren’t enough adjectives to describe. The cause: my children. My father decided, after picking my son up from preschool, to take him and my 2-year-old daughter to the store. Why? Well, because they asked for candy. Ring Pops are like crack in my house. My kids want them everyday. I, however, don’t always cave in. Grandparents do. Don’t get me wrong my children don’t love them because of material…

I am not crafty, but these are damn cute!

This was an actual argument in my house tonight: 2-year-old: (speaking to 5-year-old brother who took a toy away from her) You’re stupid! 5-year-old: That’s weally (substitute R) mean! I am not!” Me: Guys we don’t call each other stupid. That’s not nice. 2-year-old : You’re dumb! (Holy shit she can’t even put her shoes on the right feet, but just came up with a synonym.) 5-year-old: “I’m not dumb! I know all about Batman and my alphabet.” (In order of importance?) 2-year-old: “Well, you’re stupid!” 5-year-old: “Am not! I know more about Legos and can use crayons to write my name!” He has a point. I’m dusting off a…

I learned a valuable lesson today. Kids aren’t fooled by pull-ups. They know that it is just a glorified diaper. A diaper that guarantees you are going to get shit everywhere. We were visiting my sister this afternoon when my daughter announced to the room that she farted. I know, she is a classy broad. I asked, “Do you have to poop on the potty?” Nope. A minute later she proudly declared she let another one slip out. I asked again, “Do you have to poop on the potty?” Nope. Liar! I could tell by the look on her face she needed to use the potty immediately. We ran to…