“Your kids didn’t watch the fireworks?” THE HORROR! I can’t believe how angry it made some people that my children missed the 4th of July fireworks. Does it make me a bad mom? I’ve never really understood the fascination with fireworks. Sure it’s pretty. However, the noise is more startling than a shirtless Steven Tyler.  In years past, it seemed like a fun time until I had to cover my child’s ear for 30 minutes. Why does it take so long in between explosions? Are there two guys fighting over the display? “Blue!” “No, red should go next!” “Blue!” “Damn it Billy we are going with red!” Then, there is…

Anderson Cooper is gay, the sky is blue and the grass is green. Tell me something I don’t know. I can understand why Anderson needed to come out of the closet. You go gurl! I’m sure there is one person somewhere in the world that didn’t know. I loved Anderson before he was Anderson. I was pregnant with my oldest son when he was anchoring the “so damn early nobody should be awake” morning news at ABC. We are talking 12 years ago! I would wake up, like clockwork, at 3:00 a.m. starving. Honey, I invented the 4th meal. I stuffed my face while watching that silver haired beauty talk…

My kids are too smart not to realize their fighting is going to drive me insane. Right? They can remember every damn song that The Fresh Beat Band sings yet they forget how much trouble they got in yesterday for the exact same thing? Then again, I remember all the words to Ice Ice Baby, but can’t recall the date my own baby took his first steps. Well, here goes another day of repeating myself.

It’s no wonder this stick mother has lost her mind. Honey, it’s time to tie those tubes up. (By the way, the guy driving this car looked like Ron Jeremy. Perhaps, that explains it.)

“Poor Ann Curry!” I heard this over and over again today. First of all, she ain’t poor. Poor is using a Sharpie to spruce up a pair of black shoes for your kid because you didn’t have polish. #TRUESTORYIDIDITTHISWEEK (Yea, I abuse my hashtag power from time to time. What, what?!) Anyway, Ann’s shirts, ya know the ones that look like Maria sewed out of curtains, are worth more than your house. So what she lost this position! Welcome to the real world. Unless you just got back from a trip in a DeLorean you know the economy sucks. This happens everyday to people that make far less. I lost…

I am trying to raise my kids to tip well. It may not seem like a life skill to many people. I think it’s important. I’ve broken up with guys because they were cheap. (That and he picked me up in a Monte Carlo. Oh, Hell no! ) I can honestly say I’ve been pretty generous most of my life. I appreciate people who work hard. Well, except in high school when we left the lady at Pizza Hut a few dimes. If I ran into her today I would probably give her a hug and a twenty. I was a waitress for, oh, too fucking long. It didn’t help…

I am thinking about chopping my hair off. This is cute. She is annoying. The style is cute. My problem is I have dark, thick and course hair. It may end up looking like a helmet. Decisions, decisions.

By now you’ve all heard the story or seen the video on YouTube of the bus monitor being bullied by students. It was difficult to watch, but millions of people have. They call this grandmother fat and sweaty. They threaten to hurt her. It’s heartbreaking. Their lack of respect is disgusting. I flashed back to high school and a bitch named Mary. This chick tormented me for years. I tried to ignore her, but her verbal abuse didn’t stop until I defended myself. (She now looks like Star Jones before surgery. I win!) We all can relate to Karen Klein. We have, at one point in our lives, felt small.…

Here is another thing they don’t warn you about in the “What to Expect” series: you will have to give your toddler a manicure at 4 in the morning. Some of you are saying to yourself, “Oh she must be one of those moms!” Nope. I am the mom that can’t say no. I mean, I would put my foot down if my kid wanted to do crack. Crack is wack! I wouldn’t allow a child to quit school or join a boy band. However, when painting my toes, if my 2-year-old begs, “make mine pretty!” I’m sure as hell going to slap a light coat on her piggy toes.…