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2-year-old quotes presidents
This is fantastic! My favorite is the Bill Clinton quote. Watch this video on YouTube
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Today’s word is disturbing
My 5-year-old brings home a different book every night. If possible, they are supposed to read it five times to different people. I could not keep a straight face when my son read it to me. We were in hysterics laughing at the ridiculousness of the subject matter. It’s not that I find this family’s loss funny. I just cannot believe it was made into a book to teach kindergarteners sight words. Here it is: Before we begin I read the title. “Goodbye Perky,” I say. I haven’t seen anything perky in a decade. “Well, let’s find out where Perky went.” How could I have known what was about to…
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Jump around, jump up, jump up and get down
My kids have a three day weekend. So, we went to an indoor trampoline park on Friday afternoon. There is a 50/50 chance you will get a one way ticket to the emergency room at this place. We managed to leave in one piece. I was worried my younger two would be afraid. We have a trampoline at home, but this is a little intimidating to me. It is a giant warehouse of trampolines. There are basketball hoops on trampolines and an entire area for trampoline dodgeball. The latter may not be such a good idea for a 5-year-old. (Hindsight is a bitch) To the kid who threw a ball…
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Jesse
I met a crazy woman this weekend. I am probably 50 mg of Zoloft away from being just like her. She was sitting in the hair salon waiting to have her roots colored. She greeted each and every person who walked through the door. She talked non-stop. Sometimes she spoke to other patrons. She would also announce her observations to the room. “The prices sure have gone up.” She appeared to be in her late 50’s. A button on her grey cardigan was dangling by a thread. A brightly colored knit hat rested on top of her head. A few people seemed alarmed by her behavior. A guy in his…
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Poor Bieber
Justin Bieber (i before e, except after c) celebrated his 19th birthday this past weekend. It seems like just yesterday he was singing about me plus you. I’ma tell you one time, kids grow up fast. Now, Bieber is wearing his pants below his derrière, smoking weed (allegedly) and wooing the ladies. I don’t care how much that kid is making. His Mom needs to whoop his a**. Pull your trousers up son! I dare my children to make this fashion statement. They wouldn’t leave the house. The Biebs may be one step closer to the legal drinking age, but he is still a whiner. Bieber complained on Twitter how…
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Musical Theater Gone Wrong
My children are very dramatic. They love music and movies. My oldest is destined to be a Hollywood director. My youngest is constantly acting. No, I am not a stage Mom. However, I guess it pays to be one. I just read Honey Boo Boo is a hit in Europe. I am not a fan, but I would watch it dubbed in Spanish. What is the translation for “Sketti?” My husband recorded my daughter’s recent performance. Stick with it because this skit goes from sweet to WTF? Watch this video on YouTube A knife? Was this fairy tale written by Quentin Tarantino? Read more: CynicalMother.com
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Adventure Time!
I dragged my kids to a few stores today. As you can imagine they were less than pleased. It’s not my fault. They are the ones who always want to eat. (Kids these days are so demanding.) When we walked into the house a song was playing on Cartoon Network. This is completely unrelated, but have you seen the show “Adventure Time” on this station? I want to know what the hell the writers are smoking. Here are just a few of the characters: a dog made of rubber, a kid missing a nose, angry candy and a king willing to break the law for love. I would much rather…
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A 90’s child
This list had me laughing out loud. (For those of you in your 20’s it made me “LOL.”) My 13-year-old couldn’t understand why I thought this was funny. How could he? His generation will never fully understand the significance of Felicity. This list comes to us courtesy of BuzzFeed (Those folks are genius!) Here are a few of my favorites: The Typical Day Of A Teenage Girl In The Late ’90s Do you remember when you brought your Discman in the car and rested it on the dashboard? Mine was connected with velcro. The disc would skip every time you hit a bump. Need to meet up with friends? Send…
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A warm hug….
I think it is time for my son’s school to update its book collection. In kindergarten students are encouraged to refer to the pictures to help them read. It makes learning difficult when your kid has no idea what is in the picture. Here is an example. A recent book we read was titled “Hugs Are Warm.” I am sure, back in the day, this book was a contender for the Caldecott Medal. Nowadays, it doesn’t quite work: A warm hug is like… a diseased liver? (Real answer: a water bottle) A warm hug is like…. ….. a furry sweater? (real answer: a coat) A warm hug is like…. ….…
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Like, Totally
My 3-year-old daughter still loves to snuggle. She climbed on my lap this afternoon and rested her head on my chest. There is no greater joy. I hope these moments won’t fade from my memory, but there is a good chance it all will. I can barely remember my oldest as a baby. I know every word to a Milli Vanilli song, but without looking at pictures I can’t recall milestones in my child’s life. I can’t remember much of anything these days. It’s called “Mom Brain.” Millions suffer from it. There is no known cure, but is likely caused by years of sleep deprivation and worry. Last week, I…