_____________________________________
-
Conan vs. Rhubarb lady
Have you seen the viral video of the crazy lady stealing rhubarb? She makes Kanye West seem like a nice guy. Of course Conan O’Brien wasn’t going to let this opportunity pass him by.
-
Walmart song
Walmart attracts some unique birds. I am not sure where these people live, but they scare the hell out of me. I once saw a couple, with four teeth between them, haul a huge flat screen TV out of the store and put it in the trunk of their rusted car with duck taped windows. It was the dead of winter. Priorities? Apparently, there is only one way to catch the “falling prices” : You must be wearing filthy pajamas. The dirtier the better. If you can throw on a tank top and expose tattoos Billy gave you in the kitchen of his trailer that is even better. It pisses…
-
RIP Sgt. Lawson
You can probably name a member of the Kardashian family. There is a good chance you’ve heard of Honey Boo Boo, but you probably don’t know guys like Sgt. Scott Lawson. He only fought in some of the bloodiest battles in the Iraq war. He only received a bronze star for his bravery. Why should you know him? After all, he didn’t have a made for TV wedding or cook “sketti.” Sgt. Lawson served with my husband in the Iraq war. Please don’t lecture me about WMD’s. The reason for taking down Saddam Hussein doesn’t negate the bravery of the troops. Sgt. Lawson’s unit was highlighted in a 2004 Time…
-
There is not an app for that
My 6-year-old son is on the leader board in Despicable Me: Minion Rush. His victory only cost me $185. He was hanging out at grandma’s house playing with his IPod while I got my hair “did.” The App itself is free, but the tokens needed to advance to higher levels are NOT. I believe a guy who lives in his mom’s basement has the highest score. Who else would waste money on this nonsense on purpose? But you say, You need a password to buy anything from the ITunes Store.. Well, that’s where your 13-year-old brother comes in. A teenager who doesn’t want to be bothered by his brother will…
-
Vintage treasures
I will never forgive my father for throwing away our original Atari video games. They were stored in a box in a corner in the attic. We all moved out and he cleaned house. It brings a tear to my eye to think of Donkey Kong sitting alone in a landfill. A friend of mine still has her vintage gaming system. She pulled it out and her kids played for hours. Her 13-year-old son mastered Pitfall on his first turn. What the hell was wrong with us? I barely made it past level four. An original Atari system sells for over $100 on Ebay. It isn’t the only…
-
You scream, I scream
My kids have discovered the ice cream truck. I was outside weeding when I heard the faint sound of a bell ringing. It brought back fond memories of my childhood. The ice cream truck was nearby. I dropped my gardening tool and ran inside to grab my purse. Well, it was more of a speed walk. “Hey guys! It’s the ice cream truck!” My children had no idea what the hell I was talking about, but ran outside anyway, “What’s an ice cream truck?” I explained, “You can buy ice cream right outside your house!” I sounded like I was selling the ShamWow. My son was skeptical, “Real ice cream?”…
-
Da funk
I am in a funk. It has nothing to do with not finding Ryan Gosling in Skaneatles. Hormones are partially to blame along with receiving some really sad news. I just needed to spend a day in bed. That is impossible when you have three kids. My daughter was up at 7 a.m. this morning. The rest of my family, having stayed up late watching a movie slept until 11 a.m. (Can you even imagine how awesome that would be?) My daughter dosed off on the couch around 10:30. I was about to nap with her when my phone started blowing up. It wasn’t actually blowing up. That’s what the…
-
Hunt for Gosling
Ryan Gosling is rumored to be in Skaneateles, NY. So, I had no choice…. Would we find him sunbathing? Dining at a local restaurant? Building a house for Allie? It didn’t matter. This is the first time I have taken a spontaneous road trip without kids in a decade. It’s times like this that you know who your true friends are. Nikki didn’t tell me I was crazy. Wait, yes she did, but she went anyway. It was worth the trip. A chance to see Ryan Gosling and take in this view: We spotted a few men who looked like Gosling and a lot of men who did not, if…
-
Free school supplies
I bring a three ring binder with me when I go shopping. My teenage son is embarrassed and prefers to wait in the car. My daughter reminds me, “Don’t forget your coupons Mommy.” Well, you can laugh all you want Mama saved 50 cents yesterday. Boo-yah! I actually get a lot of free stuff, too. For example, I just picked up some free school supplies. I know it’s not even August yet, but free is free. I dread the end of summer. It’s a lot of work getting three kids to and from school. That and my 13-year-old’s homework is getting difficult…. for me. Who the hell cares how long…
-
Ultimate temper tantrum
We have all been in a store or restaurant and had to drag a child out kicking and screaming. The first time your kid throws a temper tantrum it’s embarrassing. I will never forget when my son lost his mind in the mall and was screaming “Put me down” as I struggled to carry him and shopping bags while pushing a stroller. Why didn’t I just put the bags or the kid in the stroller? Hindsight is a bitch. I was sweating and got annoyed by all the stares. “Haven’t you ever seen a temper tantrum before?” I shouted to complete strangers. By the second or third kid you aren’t…