I feel like I’m going through puberty all over again. My hormones are out of control. I wake up every morning with new pimples. Really? It’s not bad enough that my hair is greying, my breasts are sagging and my ass looks like it should be on display in the cheese section at the grocery store? I now have to buy acne fighting products for myself and my tween. Make-up only draws attention to the blemishes creating orange circles on my face. I look like I could be a character on Yo Gabba Gabba. My 2-year-old points out what she believes are “boo-boos” when we are in public. My doctor…

I keep having the same dream night after night. There is someone sitting on my porch, but I can’t open the door. It’s locked from the outside. I never see a face, only Converse sneakers. It’s frustrating, but nothing like the dreams my 4-year-old has. He suffers from night terrors. These episodes are terrifying alright. If you’ve never experienced it thank your lucky stars. It’s nothing a kid’s nightmare that Barney sat on their face or Caillou was put in the pokey for selling crack. My son will sit straight up and scream like he is being chased by Jason, Freddy Kreuger and Spencer Pratt. He appears to be awake,…

I am making it my mission to find Jake Ryan. (aka. Michael Schoeffling) As legend has it he quit acting to start a business in his hometown of Wilkes Barre, PA. I don’t know much about Pennsylvania other than I seem to get a speeding ticket every time I drive through this damn state. I read an article that not even GQ was able to track him down. (and we know there are some real hard hitting journalists there) Jake, if you are out there, please IM me. Middle-aged women all over the world need to see you. Then again, if you are fat and bald please stay in hiding.…

I don’t like Spam. It is disgusting. I loathe Spammers. They too, are disgusting. Lately, I have been inundated with spam comments on my blog. I caught on to their shenanigans when the emails listed were Ishmael@xlkhosllyh.com I’m no dummy. The owner of xlkhosllyh.com would never have time to read my blog let alone comment. The messages crack me up though. Here are a few of my recent favorites:   “Lots of beneficial in a row. I give rise to bookmarked your place.” (I strive to beneficial in a row at all times. It’s my life motto really.)   “Someone necessarily assist to make significantly articles I’d state.” (Nope. This…

I am a little Obsessive Compulsive when it comes to cleaning. So, you can imagine how crazy I get when everyone throws their crap on the desk in the kitchen. I’m always looking for ways to de-clutter without having to get rid of my family. This is cute.  

I must confess. On this day, the holiest day of my religion, I used the Lord’s name in vain. I didn’t expect to lose my mind. It started out much like any other holiday. The kids were cheerful. I felt blessed to be able to spend the day with family. We were going to have a delicious Easter dinner, but first had to get ready for church. It was at that moment my children decided to act like wild animals. I’m sure the pound of chocolate they ate for breakfast didn’t help matters. Somewhere in this world a husband jumped up off the couch eager to help. It wasn’t mine.…

I took my kids to the playground and had to explain this lovely piece of artwork. Clearly it’s a rabbit eating a carrot just in time for Easter. The younger two bought it. Let’s hope my son doesn’t try to duplicate this drawing at school.

After all, I have homework to complete over Spring Break. Well, it’s my son’s assignment, but he won’t be the one driving to a countless stores before finding the right supplies. He is quite artistic, but at 12 he hasn’t quite mastered the art of making ancient Greek armor. So, I will have to hover over him and help. You didn’t know that was my major in college? Because it wasn’t. This isn’t the first vacation ruining project this teacher has bestowed upon us. We had to research The Chinese Dragon over Christmas break and make a model of a parade. Can I just enjoy a damn holiday? I finally…

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I knew Ryan Gosling was sent by God. I may go stand on the ledge of a building to see if he comes to my rescue. Click here to read the story