I went to the mall on a Saturday night. If I were 15 this would be a wicked awesome story. I am not. In fact, I am climbing the mid-life crisis mountain. I am weeks away from reaching the peak and the air is getting thin. My children debated my age today. “No way! Mom isn’t that old,” argued my 5-year-old. My second grader replied, “Well, she is almost that old.” Almost only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades. I was reminded of my fading youth while strolling through the mall. It was swarming with loud teenagers wearing too much cologne. The Botox on my forehead is fading and my…

Dear Pepperidge Farm, I want to thank you for finally making “Princess Goldfish Crackers.” You have no idea how many days my delicate 5-year-old daughter sat at the table watching her brothers eat and wishing she, too could have crackers. Unfortunately, her teeth aren’t strong enough to chew the manly orange fish crackers. Plus, being that she is female, the color orange is foreign to her. We only taught her the two colors a woman ever needs to know: pink and purple. As you can imagine, because girls are so emotional, I wiped away many tears during snack time. I promised her that one day girls would get to enjoy…

Celebrities are just like you and me, right? US Magazine tries to prove it month after month with a section titled: “They’re Just Like Us!” It’s full of shots, snapped by Paparazzi, of stars just being regular folk. ‘They chew with teeth.’ ‘They clap with their hands,’ They walk one foot in front of the other,’ etc. Etc. I thought about this while watching the Academy Awards ceremony. I should clarify. I did not watch the entire show. I caught the opening segment, gave children baths, herded them to bed, watched some French guy refuse to wrap up his speech even when the music played, cleaned puke off a wall,…

I need to go on a rant. A recent news story got under my skin. You may have read about the un-retouched picture of supermodel Cindy Crawford that went viral. The photo was from a 2013 cover story shoot for Marie Claire magazine. People online applauded Crawford for showing the world what a “real woman” looks like. Apparently, none of these people have seen the HBO show Girls. I don’t think Lena Dunham owns an article of clothing and she is very real. I have been flaunting extra flab and cellulite for years without praise. Cindy Crawford did not release this photograph. She isn’t on a solo mission to change…

I had the pleasure of co-hosting a local radio show last week. In two days there was a comic legend, a hockey hero and a magician in studio. Andrew Basso is a modern day Houdini. His signature act involves being handcuffed and placed upside down in a locked box full of water. He has to use a bobby pin to remove the handcuffs and pick the locks. He does wear nose plugs. Even magicians hate getting water in their nose. At what age does one realize he would be good at escaping from a locked box full of water? Do you experiment with inflatable pools and work your way up?…

I took my children to see “The SpongeBob Movie: Sponge Out of Water.” I know what you’re thinking, ‘That was your first problem.’ I arrived about fifteen minutes before showtime because I thought we lived in a civilized society and there would be plenty of seats. I was wrong. The movie was sold out and the patrons were mostly adults. Yep, grown adults without children bought tickets to see a cartoon sponge who works as a fry cook. Why would you do that on purpose? My purse was loaded with candy and soda, but we stopped at the concession stand to buy popcorn. I know it’s against the rules to…

I always chat with the cashier at the grocery or department store. In fact, I probably annoy the people standing in line behind me. My mama raised me right. It’s important to be polite. I worked, albeit brief, at a supermarket when I was a teenager. The now-defunct store was called “Super Duper.” I’m not kidding. Who thought that was a good name for a grocery store? It’s impossible to sound sophisticated and say “Super Duper.” My career at “Super Duper” was short lived. I actually walked out mid-shift after a customer put her items on the conveyer belt. The woman picked the wrong day to be rude. An hour…

Dear Facebook friend, It is time. This relationship is over. It’s not you. It’s… No, actually it is you. I can no longer stomach your daily posts. Even Pinocchio would read each one with a furrowed brow. Who in the hell gets ridiculously excited to go to the grocery store, library or dry cleaners? I enjoy a ‘buy one bag of potato chips get three free’ deal as much as the next girl, but not enough to use a fireworks emoji. I am pretty sure I have an overdue fee for a book my child carried home from the library. He didn’t actually read it. I must have missed the…

What did we do to lift our spirits before Youtube and funny viral videos? Oh, yeah, we had conversations and interacted with other human beings. Well, times have changed. So, here you go: