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Shoplifter
Note to self: avoid wearing Khakis the next time you shop at Home Depot. Apparently, it’s like wearing a dirty concert t-shirt and gigantic ear plugs while shopping at Barneys New York. It was either my attire or this particular Home Depot is sick and tired of suburban Moms stealing bug spray and granules. Here is how this adventure started: I was outside picking weeds, lifted a large rock and discovered an ant colony. It was actually an ant country. There were thousands of those little suckers. I dug further down with a shovel sending ants falling into the small pit. Look, if they stayed outside and minded their business…
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Memorable Dessert
I have never quite understood the fascination with photo cakes. You will eventually have to butcher someone you love. Who wants to eat Grandpa’s ear? Yet, time and time again I see them at parties. I must admit they do taste good. There is something about that damn butter cream frosting. I ordered my son a Batman cake a few years ago that looked like something you would see on “Cake Boss.” The characters were made with fondant. The attention to detail was amazing, but it tasted like the bottom of sneaker. Well, what I assume the bottom of a sneaker would taste like. Here is a memorable dessert. A…
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Crop Circles
It’s a matter of time before my house is featured, alongside Bat Boy, on the cover of “Weekly World News.” Then, tour buses will line the street as people pay to get a glimpse of the apparent crop circles. Well, I hate to disappoint you. Aliens did not travel across the galaxy to doodle in my yard. My husband mowed the lawn. He was far too busy rockin’ out to Alice in Chains (True story. This is after he changed out of his ripped jeans and hyper color t-shirt) to realize the mower deck was lopsided. I don’t know what happened, but this is the finished product. What makes this…
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Can you afford it?
Do you know what’s worse than waiting in a long line at Walmart? Loading a cart full of groceries on the belt before realizing your wallet is missing. Yeah, this happened to me tonight. Panic immediately set in. I scanned the store for Oliver Twist, but only saw a woman in pajamas and a man with star tattoos on his face. Did I drop it? I put my groceries back into the cart as my daughter questioned loudly, “What’s wrong Mommy? You don’t have enough money?” I use this excuse from time to time when she asks for a toy. Awesome. I may not be able to afford Diet Dr.…
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Random stuff
Here are a few random things I wanted to share with y’all. Used Car Ad This used car ad made me laugh. There isn’t an obnoxious salesman screaming into a camera. This was posted on Ebay. The vehicle description is fantastic. “Since owning the vehicle, it has been thrashed, raced, rallied, and the interior has been smashed up in a domestic, not to mention the time my wife booted the wing because I suggested she eat a salad or two. ( please refer to photo of foot next to dent for reference).” “If you are looking for an immaculate, well maintained example of a Mercedes e320 CDI… you have come…
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Minivan salute
Motorcyclists have a special connection with one another. I have never been on a hog because I am what some may call a chicken. I didn’t learn to ride a bike until I was 9-years-old. I figure if God wanted us on two wheels we would have been born with them. A car is another story. You don’t expect me to walk everywhere? As a kid I would get on my Huffy bike, fall off and say to myself, “F-this!” Then, I would throw that sucker on the ground and go watch Saturday morning cartoons. Motorcyclists take better care of their bikes. They also have clubs, matching jackets and a…
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Hair Bow Obsession
I am obsessed with hair accessories for my daughter. She doesn’t leave home without a bow that compliments her outfit. Why? I think they are pretty. I also like it when people compliment her. It must suck to have ugly kids. Actually, if your kids are ugly you should accessorize even more. Relax, I am kidding. (sort of) My daughter can be feminine and kick ass on a soccer field. Someday, she may refuse to wear them, but until then here is a sample of our collection: I could not resist buying more bows today when I saw a sale on…
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Not my job
My name is Deanna and I am an enabler. (Hi, Deanna) If something isn’t done I will do it myself. Thus, I am always the one doing the menial chores. Well, that is going to stop because I am doing my children a disservice. I came home from the store a few days ago and much to my amazement my husband unloaded the dishwasher. I applauded and busted out a cheer from my high school days. Yes, I was a cheerleader. It was a brief experiment. My legs are like bricks. My Herkie looked more like a country music line move. Plus, cheerleading skirts and cankles don’t mix. “We are…
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Hair did
I don’t think I have been on time for an appointment in 13 years. That is why I take my children to a chain hair salon. Well, that and I am cheap. You have to be careful though. These joints hire the girl who burned the hairs off the mannequin in cosmetology school. My kids get their hair did about every three and a half weeks. Basically, when they start to look like Justin Beiber (back when he owned a belt) it’s time for a cut. The chain salon I frequent won’t take appointments. However, you can call ahead and put your name on a list. It’s basically like getting…
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Home Alone
I try to tell my children a million times a day how much I love them. (When I am not screaming at them to stop screaming.) Seriously, I want it to be the first thing they hear in the morning and the last thing I say before they fall asleep. Well, last night, my 5-year-old wasn’t having it. “Get away from me,” he cried when I went in for a hug. “I love you,” I said, trying to steal a kiss. He ducked under the covers. This kid was pissed, but I didn’t do anything wrong. He was the one who, moments earlier, knocked his sister to the ground. She…